Anglophiles limp, wrest game from White Dawgs

It was a typically rainy, whiny day on the north shore of the Thames, as the Williams Rugby Football Club (WRFC) endured a lengthy sojourn on the Queen Mary en route to taking on the Fairfield Anglophiles. The White Dawgs, unaccustomed to playing in the light drizzle that defines life in such parts, dropped a disappointing decision to the Anglophiles, 15-10.

“We were powerless against their clever English strategy,” captain George “Shorty” Evans ’04 said, whose scrum nonetheless had its way with a group of overmatched Fairfield forwards. “We had no answer for their nasal voices and vaguely effete mannerisms.”

Of course, it did not portend well for Williams to see that the Anglophiles had selected one of their own number, Ozzy Osbourne, as the special guest referee for the first half of the match. The drug-addled Brit showed little knowledge of the game and blatant favoritism towards Fairfield during his tenure as the game’s official. Nor did the hosts’ claim that Simon Cowell had turned them down at the last minute hold much water among the visitors.

“What’s so hard about finding a ref?” asked Joey “Paulie Walnuts” LaPaglia ’06. “You want a ref? I can get you a ref in three hours, no questions asked.”

The White Dawgs got what they wanted most, however – a solid effort early in the game, something emphasized by WRFC coach Bruce “The Vermonster” Stephenson as lacking in last year’s team. The squad roared out of the gate and almost put in an early try through a free play burst from Evans. The Dawgs kept the pressure on, and were only seconds from getting the opposition to sign over the rights to Czechoslovakia.

Fairfield, however, was unsatisfied with containment. With their rallying call – “Tea at Five!” – ringing through the air, the Anglophiles racked up eight first-half points against a tough Williams defense, making the Dawgs’ missed opportunities at the opposite end of the pitch that much more glaring.

A stirring half-time speech from injured line captain Galen “Danger” Thorp ’04 set the WRFC back on the path to success. Thorp, recovering from wounds sustained in an unsuccessful attack on a sewer grate, inspired the team into scoring a masterful quick try, touched down after several phases by Zak “Fokker” Haviland ’04. Haviland’s boyish good looks were the source of the considerable confusion in the Fairfield line and brought the White Dawgs to the brink of another breakthrough.

This time, however, the patriotic Williams side was done in by one of their own – Stephenson, filling in for the befuddled Brits as referee. In a decision that would make Ethan Allen and the Green Moutain Boys cry, Stephenson missed a sideline call on a Fairfield runner who was more out of bounds than this scribe’s sister. The resulting try established a lead that, despite being reduced by a later score from Akil “Tiny” Pascal ’04, was enough to propel the Anglophiles to an ill-gotten victory.

The Williams Killer Bs, on the other hand, would brook no such nonsense from their counterparts, the Eton Schoolboys. The Bs, led by inspired scrum-halfing from Alex “Piglet” Smith ’06 and hot lineout play from Eric “Hansel” Markowsky ’06, racked up the points like they were going out of style, including a diving try from Manny “1.21” Holowatz ’04.

So unimpressive were the pale, bookish opposition that the Bs were able to concentrate on matters off the field for much of the contest. “Save me some of that sandwich,” yelled “Denver” Dave Seligman ’05 during a stop in play, causing momentary puzzlement among the sideline Dawgs, who had forgotten that Seligman was in the game.

Not all of the White Dawgs, though, were as pleased with the treatment they received from the hosts. “Fairfield has no honor,” said Jeremy “Sea Donkey” Koulish ’04.

“Actually,” replied Neil “Noodle McFly” Hoffman ’04, “they were a very well-organized club with good team structure and high moral character.”

“Right, right,” said Sea Donkey.