Welcome to Williams.
How’s life here in Morgan Midwest?
Morgan’s great. I’ve got a great entry and great JAs.
Why don’t you tell the whole community something bad about your JAs?
So far they’ve done a good job hiding their deep secrets.
Well, what about their shortcomings?
Um, I could talk about the MidEast JAs.
I love them, they’re great, but Maria. . .she’s so funny. She’s a party animal and one day we were hanging out over there having a dance party and she was drunk, and first she was sitting on the sofa and then she asked me to mount her, which was kind of interesting. I did, but I didn’t feel real comfortable so I got off.
How noble. Why the discomfort?
I don’t know. It was a pretty sexual position in front of a crowd of people.
Were they watching you?
I’m sure they were. I have an incredible ass.
And they were watching it?
Oh, I don’t know. I just thought I’d mention my incredible ass. Every night before I go to bed I do these three exercises. I do 100 crunches and 40 pushups and 100 of these exercises for my ass.
What sort of exercise? Stretching it, or. . .
Sort of building it.
To be firmer? Rounder?
Both, hopefully. It had always been my goal to have a body just like Brad Pitt’s, but then I was on a class trip to Italy, and we saw Michaelangelo’s David, and I thought “there’s a nice body.”
I think that’s the reaction of every teenage boy who sees that statue.
It certainly should be. Anyway, it seemed a little bit more attainable than Brad Pitt. In most places my workouts have brought me on par with David, but the one place where I still really needed it was in the ass.
I’m not sure I like where this interview is going.
O.K., let’s shift gears.
Great. Do you know what you want to major in?
What are you going to do with that?
Well, when I was drunk once I recited pi.
How many digits?
50. There was this other drunk girl and she was making fun of me, so I thought I’d prove how cool I was by doing that.
How’d that work out for you?
I don’t remember precisely. But then we were going to do it together, like alternating numbers, but then she started making up numbers, so I got confused.
You should have showed her your ass.
This was before my whole project began.
Which might explain why she was making fun of you.
Yeah, kids never make fun of me now.
No, that’s not true at all. Being made fun of is my entire social life.
Why is that?
Well, I’m pretty clumsy. Oh, this is a great opportunity to tell my story. I was hoping to work this in somehow.
Glad to be of service.
So we were all seated for the class picture during First Days, and I was right on the left edge. So this guy comes up to me and tells me to run behind the camera and get in the picture twice. They started to take the picture and I started to run as fast as I could, and I got behind the camera and I started to have some trouble turning and there was this guy in my way and at the last minute I tried to get out of his way but he moved in the same direction and I just completely decked him and he just went down flat on his back. Naturally I kept running and made it back into the picture.
That’s quite a story.
Yeah, my entry calls me T-Train now. It’s cool to be known by much of the freshman class as “that guy.”
You seem awfully proud that you flattened some poor dude.
Oh yeah, it was awesome! Well, maybe it’s not awesome. But, well. . .I don’t know. For this conversation, during that whole bit where I was talking for a long time, and when I stutter a lot.
Oh, don’t worry about it. It will all get messed up anyway. There isn’t a lot of journalistic integrity involved in the newspaper process. In fact, you can ask me to set you up with a question, or just talk about anything you really want.
Great. Can I tell my favorite joke?
Thanks. So this guy is walking down the beach and he comes across a woman with no arms and no legs, and he walks by and she starts crying so he goes back and says, “What’s wrong?” and she says “I’ve never been hugged,” so he gives her a hug and starts to walk away. Then she starts crying so he goes back and says “What’s wrong?” and she says, “I’ve never been kissed,” so he gives her a kiss and starts to walk away. Then she starts crying again so he goes back and says “What’s wrong?” and [Editor’s note: The remainder of the joke is not suitable for publication in this newspaper. Record Features apologizes.]
Whoa. Do you have any conception of what constitutes appropriate Record material?
You said I could talk about anything I want.
Well we’re a family newspaper, and I am insulted you even thought that might make it in. Now I have to leave all the readers hanging without knowing the punchline.
They can stop by to do some ass crunches with me and we’ll discuss it.