White Dawgs fall to Wallflower-Hippies

Every April, sleepy little Newport, R.I. awakens one day to find itself hosting the annual Beast of the East tournament. The affair brings in a sweaty, smelly, swearing, swarm of more than 50 men’s and women’s rugby teams, everyone hungry for victory and thirsty for beer. This year’s tournament started off no different than most rugby events – absolutely miserable.

At 11 in the morning, amidst tsunami-like rains, hurricane-esqe winds and blizzard-style cold, the fearless White Dawgs warmed up and prepared to play their Little Three rival, the Wesleyan Wallflower-Hippies.

In archetypical fashion, while the White Dawgs danced around, stretching their powerful muscles, the Wallflower-Hippies sort of hovered together near the sideline, speaking in the hushed-tones of pre-pubescent fear. Luckily, one of them produced some sort of device and within minutes the entire team’s disposition had changed from fear to cheer.

The game started ominously when the Wallflower-Hippie scrum-half booted a high, slippery ball to the Williams fullback, Galen “Mouth” Thorpe ’04. Thorpe, known for his superior ball-handling, misjudged the kick, and saw it bounce into the try zone. An eager Wallflower-Hippie, mistaking the ball for a huge bag of Doritos leapt onto the ball and was shocked to find that he had scored the game’s first try.

Unfortunately for Williams, whose play is predicated on quick-thinking, fast ball movement and fancy footwork, Saturday’s weather conditions made it impossible for them to play their game. The sloppy weather is the great equalizer in men’s rugby, and the motley crew that is the Weslyan side, exploited that to their advantage.

The Wallflower-Hippies kicked a lot of high balls, putting pressure on the Williams backs while slipping and sliding their way into better position with scrums. When the score was tallied, the Wallflower-Hippies had won by a few points, and the White Dawgs, forever scarred by losing to such a shiftless opponent, hung their tails between their legs in deep, deep shame.

This would not stand. After the party, it was the hotel lobby where Coach Bruce Stephenson warned his team that he would quit in the fall if things did not improve. He added, with spite, “Rabble, rabble, rabble.” The White Dawgs barked in unison and vowed to win this Saturday’s game against Amherst.

That’s right. This Saturday, the mighty White Dawgs will battle their evil arch-nemesis, the Amherst Black Donkeys, on Cole Field at 1 p.m. Amherst, somehow misplaced into Div. I, no longer plays the Div. II White Dawgs during the regular season.

Fortunately, both teams manage to clear their schedules for a semi-annual grudge match. Per tradition, both teams wager their jerseys on the outcome of this 80-minute bloodbath. Showing their true colors, the Black Donkeys refuse to bet their game jerseys as the White Dawgs do, but place their child-sweatshop made practice jerseys on the line instead.

Last fall, the White Dawgs suffered a hard loss to the Donkeys, even harder for this author, who lost his tooth when his Donkey-minded opponents blindsided him with a punch to the mouth. White Dawg fly-half, Devon “Tito” Fitzgibbons ’04 vowed to revenge Cubeta’s fallen incisor.

Already, the Black Donkeys have looked for ways to manipulate the game, petitioning WRFC Match Secretary Ari “Junkyard Dog” Kessler ’04 to change the game time from 1 p.m. to 11 a.m., so that the Donkeys get back home before the Amherst Library closes. Kessler refused, saying, “Me change rugby? That’s unpossible [sic]!”

This game promises to be a tough one, so the White Dawgs need all the support they can get. Gather up all your friends, like Mr. Jim, Jack and Johnny and come down to Cole Field this Saturday at 1 p.m.

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