Steven, what brand of shampoo do you use?
Can I put some clothes on before we start the interview?
All right then. Neutrogena T-Gel. I actually don’t have my own shower stuff, I just steal everything from the girls. Except the pink soap. Using pink soap would turn me into a girl. It’s a bit of a problem, but I work around it.
Rinse and repeat?
As well you should. I trust you more now, so let’s get down to business. As a Canadian expatriate, you’re somewhat of a puzzle wrapped in a riddle wrapped in an enigma. Who is Steve Rahl? In 5 words or less
A pretty laid-back dude.
Well done. So, you were recently in Bermuda. How was that?
It was really awesome, we had a great time.
And now you’re back. The housing draw is coming up. How do you feel about Agard?
Best house on campus. But don’t live here. We have mice.
What about doubles?
A really good idea if you’ve got a good roommate. Even after sophomore year. You need the good roommate though.
You’ve got a large collection of DVDs that you and your roommate share. Good idea? Bad idea? What’s good?
Tennenbaums. Royal Tennenbaums. It cost a fortune though, the whole thing did. Huge mistake. I can’t watch any of them anymore. Rent if you still can.
Tennenbaums. You’re a city boy, aren’t you? NYC? What’s the best thing about growing up in the city that suburban punks will never understand?
The city’s great, there’s a lot of freedom to do whatever you want. Also, the Silk Road Palace on 82nd and Amsterdam. Inexpensive Chinese food. Everyone should go there. Everyone. I saw the guy from that Britney Spears movie there and the woman from “Airplane.”
The one who flashes the camera and runs around screaming?
No the other one, Julie Haggerty. Not quite as good.
Nope. So you’re from the city, you’ve met a few minor celebrities at a Chinese food place. You’ve also got a sort of movie star air about you, what with the dashing good looks and windblown hair. Have you ever been involved in cinema of any sort?
I always get stopped by talents scouts offering me lucrative endorsement deals in the streets. Haven’t pursued anything yet.
Actually for the most part I keep pretty much to myself, at least around strangers. I’m scared of strangers. They’re generally evil.
So handguns, would you carry one?
No. Definitely not. Actually, I’ll say yes, as it would interview better.
No, I refuse. I won’t prostitute myself to the newspaper as some sort of muckraking journalist, sensationalizing issues to boost sales. I like to uncover the facts. You’re looking a little distracted right now. If you could be doing anything else in the world, what would it be?
(long pause) I don’t know. Erica, what would I be doing?
You can’t ask her.
Sleeping? You should have said word associations. Friskalating.
These all don’t have to be people you know. We’ll do a few more. English. Remember, any answer is right.
Enough. I’m more afraid of the way your mind works than ever. We’re almost out of time. Educate the people of Williams College about anything you want. What do you know that can help the world?
Bodywash actually isn’t real soap, it doesn’t clean anything. The thing about girls’ bodywash is that there’s actually no antibacterial power in it. You’re not cleaning anything unless it says ‘antibacterial’ or ‘soap.’ That’s why they just call it bodywash.
So you’re saying we’ve got a lot of dirty, dirty girls on this campus who don’t even realize they’re dirty.
Essentially, they haven’t cleaned themselves in years.
Wow. Good to know. I’m glad you bought it all back to women’s bath products.
Any last words?
If any of you see me around campus, please don’t say hi.