Alpha Beta Gargoyle

The Gargoyle Society has announced that it is accepting applications for new members. I hope nobody missed the deadline; it was March 18th. The Gargoyles graciously allowed everyone less than a week to apply to their elite, prestigious, exclusive, select, restrictive, exalted, omnipotent organization. I was very tempted to apply, but then I remembered I do not own a SUV, I did not go to prep school and I do not wear sweaters around my neck.

Maybe I’m being silly; the Gargoyle Society has done a lot of good. After all, they abolished fraternities (with the exception of their own). Oh wait, they argue they are not a fraternity, but rather a society of chosen individuals that has been around for over a hundred years; all they are missing is a secret handshake.

Speaking of secrets, am I the only one who never ever heard of this society, which supposedly is always improving the campus? Where do they meet? (In a cave? Or perhaps Hopkins forest?). Who are its members? (Ted Kennedy? Freddy from Scooby-Doo?). Do they even have meetings? (Knock twice on the cave door to enter).

In all honesty, eliminating fraternities is not the only thing the Gargoyles have done. For instance, they were “instrumental in founding the College Council.” Are they proud of this? Last time I checked, the only thing College Council accomplished was eating at Thai Garden on the students’ dime.

The “Gargled Society” also spit out the Committee on Undergraduate Life, another coup not a single student on campus appreciates. I already dedicated a whole article to trashing the CUL, so I will save the reader from hearing it all again, but you can purchase a copy of the piece from me for $4.95 plus shipping and handling.

Before I forget, I want to mention that the Gargoyles also founded the “Advisory Committee on Shareholder Responsibility.” Okay, now they are just making up committees. Next thing you know, they’ll be taking credit for manned space flight and Tang.

The Skulls – I mean Gargoyles – require all self-nominations to include a proposal of a project that one would address as a Gargoyle. In order to get some inspiration, I went to the Gargled Society’s website ( to view some current projects.

Unfortunately, “Coming soon” was the only text on the project page. That is funny, shouldn’t all the newly accepted members from last year have their current projects listed there? Well I have an idea: when the Society writes a letter to the editor next week (it will give them something to do), asserting that I am an opinionated idiot who does not understand the Gargoyle legacy, maybe they could also include the projects that each new member is undertaking.

After doing all this research, I am ready to write my self-nomination. It goes as follows:

I would like to nominate myself to be a Gargoyle for the 109th Delegation. I was born to be a Gargoyle. When I was little, I used to sit perched upon the roof of my apartment building.

There are three things I have always wanted: world peace, a Red Sox appearance in the World Series and to be a Gargoyle. Since the first two are never going to happen, I sincerely hope the third item on my list comes to fruition.

As an applicant, I have a rather novel project idea – I want to build a cyborg. Now I know that you might think this is a little impractical, but what if robots attacked us? The cyborg would then be a much-needed asset, which only we, the Gargoyles, would have. The world would need us for salvation. I would also like to look into putting a strip club on Spring Street and lowering the drinking age to 12. Thanks for your consideration, Mark Rothman XXXIII.

If you are a Gargoyle and are still reading this article, I just want to point that the piece, while critical, is meant to be in jest. I do not dislike or think poorly of the members of the Gargoyle Society or the society itself (although Martha Burk might be doing the secret knock at your door if you do not change your ways).

Having written this article, I realize that I stand little to no chance of being accepted as a member of the Gargoyle Society. Damn! I guess if I want to join an exclusive, renowned society on campus, I will have to sign up for WUFO.

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