One in 2000: Aidan Finley

How are you feeling about your presidential campaign?

It went pretty well.

No, it didn’t. You got seven percent of the vote.

Well, that’s more than you got.

I wasn’t running.

Then who are you to question me like that?

The interviewer.

Fair enough.

Indeed. So, is this the end of politics for Aidan Finley?

Every election I’ve participated in, I’ve lost. I ran for elementary school student government, I ran for all campus rep twice and probably something else. I’m definitely 0-for-life.

Can’t even beat a bunch of grade-schoolers?

In all fairness, I was also a grade-schooler at the time.

Still.

See, I didn’t make outrageous promises like my opponents did – like for more recess, lower urinals in the boys’ room, etc… People bought into that even though the candidates couldn’t deliver. I promoted more mundane, accomplishable goals, like a school sign out in front of the building that said “Chatham Park Elementary School.”

But you lost.

Yes, I lost. But I probably accomplished more than the other candidates. Recess is still the same length, and the kindergartners still have to stand on their tiptoes to pee. Winning isn’t everything.

Sounds like loser talk.

I speak simple truths. Do with them what you will.

Can I just ignore them?

At your own peril, sure.

My peril? What are you, some kind of prophet?

Well, I’ve got the hair for it.

Yes, you do. What’s going on with that?

I’m actually getting it cut this week.

That seems like a good move. Going the St. Pierre’s route, or are you more of a Clip Shop man?

Clip Shop man? Isn’t that some sort of oxymoron?

Could be. Our Opinions Editor, Adam Babson, gets his hair cut at the Clip Shop. He’s rumored to be a man.

Well, I’m actually going to have a friend of mine do it. And he’s an All-American, so I’m hoping his athleticism translates well to hairstyling.

Not a fan of the barbershop?

From what I’ve heard, they only know how to do one haircut – the fade.

Is that what I’ve got?

Yeah, that’s the fade. Everywhere I look, I see the fade. I think it’s part of the process. . . they ask everyone, ‘What kind of haircut do you want?’ and then they laugh because everyone gets the fade. To be honest, I just don’t want to pay for a haircut. I feel like paying for sex, paying for pornography and paying for a haircut are just things to be avoided.

Haircuts, sex, porn. . .anything else you’d put in that category?

You probably shouldn’t go to a movie alone. But I’ve started doing that. I used to say, “I’ve never gone to a movie alone” and that was something I could be proud of.

I guess when you’re always losing, it’s important to have something to build up your self-esteem.

Yeah. But I went to the Eskimo, excuse me, “Inuit” movie alone, and then I saw “The Pianist” alone. It’s difficult to get people to go to movies that are pretentious. If you wanted to get a group of guys together to see “Old School” that’s easy. But to get them to go see “The Pianist”. . . it also sounds like “The Penis” which doesn’t help. I don’t do a lot of laundry.

Excuse me?

Sorry, we’re on things I wouldn’t pay for.

Right. Actually, since you’ve mentioned laundry I’d like to go off on a tangent for a moment. Why is it that we always have the same number of washers and dryers in a given building, even though washing takes half-an-hour and drying takes an hour? It doesn’t take a math major to see that half of the washing machines are useless. We should have twice as many dryers, for maximum efficiency.

Are you done yet? That really wasn’t very interesting.

Sorry, just wanted to get that off my chest. Ok, well thanks for. . .

Actually, I’d like to add one more thing to the list. A cappella. I hate a cappella. It’s a curse on this campus. The groups are all the same, and so completely full of themselves. Like the Streeters and Octet, going “Bom Bom Bom” for a guitar line. Jeez, get over yourselves and buy a guitar.

Of those two, who do you like better?

I hate them both.

But if you had to go to a concert?

I’d shoot myself. It’s like Hitler and Stalin: Who was really worse?

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