One-in-2000 with Kristin VanWoert

Hey Kristen, I hear you’re a rising children’s book author. Tell me about it.

Well, it was my Winter Study class, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. See, Winter Study is a wonderful thing.

What was your book about?

My book was called “Sammy Southworth’s Walk in the Woods.” It had classic Kristen rhyme scheme and everything. My sister thinks the book is about me because she says I’m one with nature.

What is classic Kristen rhyme scheme? Can I have an example?

Give me a topic.

Freshmen! It can have sexual innuendos.

[thinking]

I love my Morgan Westers,

They’re a super stellar crowd,

Some of the things they do,

Make me oh so proud.

So, Kristen, what are these “things they do?”

My Mo-Westers, you mean?

Oh geez. Wait, I thought he lived in Morgan Mid-East…

Earmuffs! [Puts her hands over her ears.]

I’m sure we’ll come back to this. So, why was your JA nickname, “3 Times a Lady?”

Lionel Richie fan. Big fan. Huge fan.

Um, ok.

I almost referred to the earmuffs again, but I felt the need to provide some sort of justification for the public.

So, what are your other favorite songs by Lionel Richie?

[silence] Damn…

Not such a fan after all, are you?

Moving on.

Did you go to the basketball game Saturday night?

Oh yeah!

Are you a big basketball fan? Did you go to the Amherst game too?

Yeah. After a delicious dinner at Chopsticks, I went to the game. After celebrating the win, I came home and tripped over an “invisible crack” in the floor and proclaimed that I had the best entry, times 500.

What happened at the game?

I think they stopped handing out inflatable beaters after my performance.

What’d you do?

Human drum set.

Why doesn’t that surprise me?

Because as my dad always says, “You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.”

Speaking of familiar ties, is your sister transferring to Williams? She’s around an awful lot and seems to have the same Van Woert energy.

I think the defining moment was when she showed up at my door at 5:30 a.m. because she couldn’t sleep (she goes to Middlebury). That’s Van Woert energy. She’s also been seen crawling through the window at the pub and being chased around the pub. Meanwhile, I had completely lost her and was entirely “unaware” of what was going on. I found her at Meadow.

Wait, aren’t you living at Meadow next year?

Yes, indeed. Living at Meadow. Girls at Meadow. Weird. Shout out to my Meadow peeps! We’re going to maintain the tradition of starting up a freshman listserv.

Yeah, you’re good with frosh, aren’t you?

Yeah. [looks down] Can we go to the zoo?

What? The zoo? The zoo’s closed!

Speaking of animals, I have a chocolate lab named Nattie who is afraid of everything, and a cat named Mickey – short for Mick Jagger – who walks with his head upside down and meows really loud. Not normal, I know.

So, how’s your co-JA, Matty?

Phenomenal. As always. He says he’s going to miss living with my crackhead ways next year. Figuratively speaking.

Crackhead ways?

Well, I tend to go on these Disney kicks and I sing all my Disney tunes, complete with dramatic gestures. “Part of Your World” and “A Whole New World” are two of my all-times faves. This may be a product of spending too much time in Schow. At a place like that, being productive keeps you from getting bored.

Damn!

By the way, my entry calls me budonkadonk. Somehow it stems from one of the times it took me 20 million years to get ready to go out. They gave me a pair of Playboy silk pajama pants that they picked up at Bloomies. They make me so proud. Oh, I’m always late, but worth the wait! And, um, we need chicken fingers at the Snack Bar. This means you!

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