1-in-2000 with Adrienne Ellman

Hey Adrienne, what’s your favorite episode of SpongeBob?

Well, I have a pair of SpongeBob socks with googly eyes. I have the Valentine’s Day book of SpongeBob. I have the SpongeBob sunglasses and Halloween costume (shout out to Karoly!) and let’s face it, Spongey, as I like to call him, is hot!

Right, but the question was what’s your favorite episode.

Okay, so I haven’t actually seen it, but at least I don’t flash people at Pappa Charlie’s, Maria.

Good point. So how’s squash?

Squash is good. That was funny; you should laugh! We finished 6th, I mean, 7th at Nationals. Stupid Princeton. Individual nationals are coming up this weekend.

After that, will you teach me how to play? I hear squash is a really social sport.

You would say that. It’s social, if you’re blonde.

What happens if you’re not blonde? Do you end up living in the frosh quad as a senior?

[Silence.]

Wow, that was awkward. So what are your plans after graduation?

I applied to drive the Oscar Meyer Weiner truck around the U.S. of A.

Hot dog! Ha ha ha!

No really, I did.

Have you heard from them yet?

Dude, it’s competitive! Only 12 out of thousands of tens of thousands of hundreds of thousands of people are accepted. But come on, why wouldn’t they want me?

Because you live in the frosh quad as a senior. So you must really like to eat those hot dogs.

About as much as I watch SpongeBob.

Where did your SpongeBob obsession come from if you’ve never even watched the show?

To be honest, his pants just confuse me. I mean, is he square and happens to be wearing pants, or are his pants just plain square?

Hmm. Deep thoughts by Adrienne Ellman. Let me ask you another question. If the number two pencil is the most popular, why is it the number two? Answer me that.

You got me. Oh my god, I have a SpongeBob water bottle and shoelaces too. Don’t forget to put that in. And also mention that I really respect Sting.

Have you actually seen Zoolander? Or do you just think that he’s really, really, really ridiculously good looking?

Gee Maria, I’ve never heard that quote before. But if you must know, I have seen Zoolander. In fact, I’ve been working on a new look for him.

Can I see that look?

[Adrienne looks like she’s possessed and she purses her lips and turns her head to the side, showing the left side of her face.]

Did you ever consider being a model?

No, but I did consider being a jazzist. Is that a word?

No, but jazz dancer is. Tell me about this aspiration.

I was three years old when I went to my first dance class and I made my performance debut to “walk, walk, walk, walk around the room… hop, hop, hop, hop around the room.” [Adrienne sings.]

So how did it end?

Well, the song went “bow, bow, bow, bow around the room” and I bowed backwards. Of the 25 kids on stage, I was the only one who bowed backwards. My mom has it on tape. Unfortunately, I was one of 25 blonde girls on stage and my mom was sitting so far away she couldn’t tell which one was me! True story. Stop laughing, Maria!

Wait, so your jazz aspirations began and ended in the same performance?

Well, when you put it that way. . . Ouch! I’m awfully sensitive about this.

So you went from wanting to be a “jazzist” to wanting to be a trucker?

Come on, everyone knows that Weiner truck is a shagmobile.

Have you, per chance, ever been on top of a naked pyramid? I haven’t.

I’m not embarrassed about my past. I’ve also gotten a fake ID taken from me. Please, send this to all future employers.

Like the Oscar Meyer company?

Yeah, and to my grandfather who reads the Record every week.

Shout out to Adrienne’s Poppa!

Here, let me tell you a story about Poppa! He’s 91 and about three years ago, he got his first computer. He doesn’t quite understand the concept of “Instant Messenger.” First of all, his screen name is Jellyman – feel free to IM him – and he doesn’t understand why he gets so many sketchy, random IMs from people he doesn’t know. It’s all in the name.

Thanks for your time. Any final word for the Williams community?

I meant what I said about Sting. I really respect him.