Williams vs. Amherst. The White Dawgs against the Black Donkeys. Stone Cold Steve Austin fighting the corrupt power of Vince McMahon’s evil franchise. There are no words that can properly describe the conflict that is a Williams-Amherst game.
The Williams Rugby Football Club (WRFC) made the journey from the beautiful, bountiful hills of Billsville to the desolate wasteland that is Amherst, Mass. to engage in the 324th battle of the clubs.
The WRFC was confident, holding a 290-33 edge in the series. Alas, the treachery of the Donkeys became a factor before the game had even begun. In a cowardly attempt to dull the minds and cat-like reflexes of the Dawgs, Amherst moved the game from the normal starting time of 1 p.m. to the unbelievably early hour of 10 a.m. With the benevolence of a thousand kings of yesteryear, the higher-ups of WRFC agreed to the change.
Saturday, 7 a.m.: too tired to eat, speak or even communicate through a basic system of grunts, the baggy-eyed heroes of the WRFC piled into cars and made the trek to Amherst. The Donkeys’ craven tactical ploy worked in their favor. The full Williams A-side didn’t arrive at the field until moments before the opening kickoff. Adding to the confusion was a lone Donkey who, being too timid to actually play rugby, brought his bagpipes to the pitch and lulled the Dawgs into a trance with ancient Celtic tunes.
A glance at the Donkey team that lined up for the opening kickoff showed that mischief was afoot. A-Side regulars Odd-Job and Fat Backstreet Boy had been replaced by young Mr. T and the Russian in the classic “Rocky IV.” An ominous cloud appeared as if by magic and settled in front of the sun, sending a dark shadow over the field that would remain there for the duration of the match.
Spurred on by this evil omen, the Donkeys clumsily made their way up the field. Taking advantage of the numerous penalties committed by the obviously sleepy Dawgs, they quickly scored the first try of the game. The rest of the half was a battle characterized by the Dawgs attacking and the Donkeys using a combination of luck, voodoo hexes and poor refereeing to keep Williams off the scoreboard. The Dawgs managed to close the gap when rookie Alex “Piglet” Smith ’06, playing in his first game on A-Side, converted a long penalty kick minutes before halftime.
The second half was not defined by the play of either team, but by the blatant lack of class shown by the Donkeys. A Donkey fullback, a bitter, ugly little man who tried to hide his facial deformities behind a rat-like goatee, took a cheap shot that caught an unaware Tom “Dirty Texan” Cubeta ’03 in the mouth. Cubeta was forced to leave the game. With the loss of Cubeta’s second-to-none ball handling and slick moves, the line couldn’t contain the Donkeys, who eventually eked out a victory over the valiant Dawgs.
After the game, Cubeta, known for his dashing good looks, commented “I may have lost a front tooth and my lips might be an inch thick each, but I’m still prettier than that bastard. God I can’t wait for the spring and sweet, sweet revenge.”
Fortunately for Cubeta and other downcast A-Siders, redemption would not have to wait through the long, bitter winter. Sunshine broke through the overcast sky as the Williams Killer Bs took the field. Fired up after watching their teammates go down, the Bs took it to the weak, malnourished Amherst side.
There was no confusion or tiredness in their eyes as the Williams pack pushed around the timid Donkeys. Spurred forward by the relentless rucking and scrum play of Andrew “Kaiser” Bisset ’06 and Jeremy “Sea Donkey” Koulish ’04, hooker Evan “The Fonz” Couzo ’05 got the first score of the match on an acrobatic leap into the Amherst try zone. “Red Shoes” Ben Fleming ’04 converted the kick and the Dawgs jumped out to a 7-0 lead.
Despite the pleas of a visibly crying, flustered Donkey winger, the Killer B’s did not let up their attack. Fleming found his way behind the Amherst goal line, only to have his score taken away by a questionable call from the ref. Undeterred, scrum half phenom Steve “ED” Rahl ’05 finished what Fleming had started, breezing in untouched for a try after literally breaking the ankles of four feeble Donkey defenders.
Amherst, realizing they were hopelessly overmatched, showed their usual lack of class and substituted in three of their genetically engineered A-Side freaks. Despite this blatant foul play, the Bs’ defense, anchored by Jim “Honky” Enterkin ’05 and Jed “Howler Monkey” Dench ’04 held strong.
At the end of the day, the Killer B’s had won a decisive 12-5 victory and the adoration of fans across the globe. B-side captain John “Cross” Arendshorst ’04 summed up the victory by saying “We knew we were going to win. We’re just better. Better people, better players. . . really better at everything than those book-stealing swine.”
Though the As were narrowly defeated, it was impossible to deny the skills and talent the B-Side brought to the pitch. The future looks bright for the WRFC.