A real "Trojan man" tests health center’s rubbers

As students at Williams College, one of the elite colleges in the country, we have access to many resources. These resources are what make the College great. The tutorials, lectures, Chapin Rare Book Library and athletic facilities are all things that we have come to enjoy and take advantage of during our time at Williams. However, the greatest and most used assets are the free condoms given away at the Health Center.

Last year, we went through some 30,000 condoms, which means each student had sex 15 times on average last year. Obviously, someone must have had sex 30 times to make up for me.

This article is not about sex on this campus, but the condoms that are used during that sex. I have been asked to write about ways we can test these condoms and figure out just how good they are. The Record asked me to write this article due to my experience as an altar boy.

In order to write this article I needed to obtain condoms from the Health Center. The Health Center offers a wide variety of condoms including extra-long, extra-lubricated and – my personal favorite – flavored condoms.

When I asked for 30 condoms, there was general laughter in the room. They asked if I was getting them for someone else. I informed them that the condoms were for me. Then they informed me that all condoms have expirations dates and do not last an entire lifetime.

After this, I made an appointment with mental health. My self-esteem was more deflated than my blow-up doll.

Once I obtained the condoms, it was time to start testing them. Many tests for condoms are mundane, such as: putting them around a banana, filling them with water or using them for sex. Trust me, I tried numerous times to test them that last way. Unfortunately, I was not able to do any real world tests as women were scarce and my right wrist was injured.

The first test I did administer was a taste test. So, for a whole week I switched from chewing gum to chewing condoms. I went from Trident to Trojan. I think that will be the last time a professor ever asks me to spit out my gum.

After tasting them all, I have concluded that they all taste like chicken. My recommendation is eating chicken, rather than condoms, although the chicken is more fattening.

The second test was the stretch test. I tried to stretch a condom over my whole body; I think it was successful, although I lost consciousness from the lack of oxygen so I cannot be 100 percent sure. Being covered in all that plastic made me feel like a piece of furniture in an old lady’s apartment.

I tried to stretch the condoms over several other objects including my laptop, my toothbrush, a lamp, a Nalgene, my gun, all my Playboys, a handle of rum, my dentures and, lastly, a monkey carrel in the library. It never broke any of these times.

The third test was a pressure test. I inflated the condom and then saw how much pressure it could take. At first, I had a hard time doing this because I inflated them all with helium and they kept on floating away. Finally, I was able to test a bunch and they tended to withstand a lot of pressure.

The next test was a texture test. All of them were heavily lubricated making it hard to hold them; they kept on slipping out of my hand. From what I understand, you do not want condoms that might slip off. After conducting all these tests, I have complied a little index of each condom. Here is that list:

Durex Ultra Comfort : These condoms have a unique shape according to the label. Boy, were they right. I had never seen a triangle shaped condom before.

Durex Extra Strength: Is this like extra strength Tylenol?

Night Light: The condom glows in the dark. This gives new meaning to the words “glow stick.”

Durex Colors and Scents: Comes in orange, banana and strawberry. Good condoms, but no cherry?

Plus Beyond Seven: For those better endowed than Williams.

Lifestyles Ultra Lubricated: Really lubricated.

So which one would I recommend? Well, I am not sure there is a clear-cut favorite. Each person will probably prefer a different condom.

The good thing about all these condoms is that they fit easily into your pocket. I used to have the hardest time carrying around my diaphragm.

Remember these condoms are for your own protection or for use as water balloons. I nailed one of my suitemates – with a water balloon, that is.

I hope my tests can help you, the readers, decide which condom is right for you. Just to clarify, I did not do all these crazy tests with the condoms, so do not think I am a sketch-ball. To test them I just had sex 30 times this weekend.