We’ve got the OCC blues

The Office of Career Counseling (OCC) is having trouble lining up companies to recruit Williams students. With the economic downturn, no one is hiring anymore. Plus, Salomon Smith Barney lost two tips for conduct detrimental to the community. They are still allowed to have captains’ practices though. So while you can no longer graduate from Williams and start earning six figures at an investment company, you can still pay six figures for a college education. Times have changed. Williams students may have to get real jobs! Or they can always become professors.

What troubles me is that some major organizations are not even looking at Williams students. Most software companies do not recruit here. It turns out they were interested, but could not e-mail us because the network was down. The CIA does not recruit at Williams, despite interest from students. Fortunately, the FBI might be willing to recruit us, because chances are they have not communicated with the CIA.

The real shocker is that the army does not recruit at Williams. From what I hear, they are looking for a few good men. Who would not want the future economists, psychologists and art historians of America on our frontline? I can hear us attacking now, the psychology majors asking the Iraqis, “how does our attacking you make you feel?” The economists would wonder, “are these tanks cost effective?” The art history majors commenting, “look at the architecture and symmetry in that building,” and then blowing it up.

Williams students will no doubt scare those planning on going to war with America. Nothing strikes fear in our enemies quite like the sight of 20 year olds in Abercrombie and Fitch driving around in SUVs. We might have issues about where we would live on base; I hear they do it by lottery with blind pick-ins and gender balancing. Some sergeants would also revolt when we started critiquing them on Sergeant-Trak. I do not even want to think about what would happen if someone suggested throwing a Queer Bash party on base. Probably the most stunning reason why the army would avoid Williams students is that we are so apathetic. But you cannot spell patriotism without apathy. The army does not know what they are missing.

However, there is hope, and it rests in soup and the Pillsbury doughboy. Most seniors are probably thinking I am making this up, but the head of the OCC says both Campbell’s and General Mills offer great training programs. Don’t you always hear about Williams students making the big dough? Little did you know they were talking about cookie dough. Our futures lie in the hands of a pasty, fat guy with no hair, and I am not talking about Dick Cheney. If you go the Campbell’s route, look for a Mushroom Eph Barley soup to hit the market early next fall. Although it might not sound appealing to work with soup, it is better than serving it.

With so few options what is a student to do? According to the OCC, go to graduate school. However, the OCC thinks that companies are turned off to Williams students because they want to go to graduate school. Damn us for wanting to better ourselves! Graduate school is a great way to put off the real world for a few more years. Or you can do what most people do to avoid real work and become artists, musicians and bad humor writers. Medical school is a great option also, except for those kids with shaky hands. Many Williams students go to law school after graduating, which is good, because then they will be able to defend themselves. I hope people realize they do not ask you to make a “Manhattan” on the bar exam.

Despite all this bad news, the OCC insists that they are still getting jobs for a large portion of the Williams students who choose not to go to graduate school. However, due to “technical problems,” the OCC does not have statistics on what percentages of recent graduating classes are employed. And they wonder why software companies do not recruit here! The bottom line is that some of those statistics are probably more inflated than the Goodyear blimp. Last time I checked panhandling is not an occupation.

So, what is the solution? Perhaps, you should start to practice saying, “would you like fries with that?” My strategy for making money is winning the lottery or marrying rich. Most people tell me I need some lucky numbers. There are job opportunities out there, and by “there,” I mean China. My advice for seniors is to hit the streets, but to avoid living on them. You guys will all find something, I am sure. The job market is rich with opportunity. If not you can always join the Professional WUFO circuit. Then again, if none of you can find a job, there might be several openings at the OCC very soon.

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