Lehman conspiracy

I would like to bring a disturbing trend to the attention of the Williams College community. As I’m sure you all know, for years, Lehman has been synonymous with lice outbreaks, cockroach infestation, and ticks. This year, however, when you think of Lehman, don’t just think of pestilence carrying insects, think school spirit – for Amherst College. Yes, as shocking as it may seem, an entire dorm of Williams College has mutinously turned towards the dark side!

From what I’ve gathered in my independent investigation, the surge in love for Amherst has stemmed largely from a single JA. Apparently, while other first-years used First Days to meet new people and become adjusted to all Williams College has to offer, unfortunates living in Lehman were subjected to a grueling, week-long propaganda session extolling the virtues of Amherst College. Like some sort of stealthy, journalistic ninja, I was able to interview the cult leader.

“What can I say? I just simply love Amherst,” Lehman East JA, Geoff Nielson confessed to me. “Seriously, I love Amherst sooooo much I want to marry it and have, like, ten thousand of its babies.”

Apparently Nielson used the US News and World Report ranking system as proof to justify his love for Amherst.

“It says in the college ranking issue that Amherst is ranked first, and Williams is in second. Another reason Amherst is better is because their team name is the ‘Lord Jeffs.’ I like that because my name is ‘Geoff,’ too! L-O-L!” Nielson explained, actually saying the instant message term “LOL,” even though the interview was done verbally in person.

While I’ve noticed that most students passively avoid Lehman by using techniques like claiming they don’t know where it is located, I feel I must take a more vocal stance on the matter.

It’s a damn shame we have to put up with this bullcrap. I try and be as open-minded as the next guy, but this love for Amherst is simply disgraceful. And I’m certainly not just saying that for some silly reason like Geoff hit me with a water balloon in front of my friends during First Days and I’ve been biding my time oh-so-patiently for two months to get a chance to get back at him in the homecoming issue of the Record where generations of alumni will read this. Because that would be crazy, and a little obsessive. Heh.

Most recently, I’ve found out that the deans have begun damage control by promising to use psychology to cure the Lehman frosh. But that might be only the beginning of their problems from what I’ve heard from Geoff.

“Oh, yeah. And everyone in Lehman loves communism, too,” Nielson said. “I like to think of Amherst as the Soviet Union and Lehman as Cuba.”

Drendan Bocherty, JA of Willy E

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *