One in 2000: Denise Nunes

Denise Nunes ’05

Dorm Tyler Annex 211

Home Evanston, ill.

Airbag? Scrumcap

I was instructed to find someone “scandalous and salacious” for this week, so naturally I turned to the women’s rugby team.

Scandalous? Me? No. . .

Well, judging by the fact that your entire posterior is exposed from the giant hole in the back of your pants, I would peg you as a little scandalous.

Well, it was hot when I cut the hole in these pants! It’s a ventilation system.

You cut vent holes in your pants?

No, it was just a small hole at first, but then my butt just kept getting bigger, and the hole followed.

I picked you because you are a rugby player, so give me some stories.

I am not scandalous! I have a boyfriend.

You can just tell me scandalous things about other people and get them in trouble.

Well I can tell you that a lot of girls on the team have acquired rug burns from doing something or other. . . We find these things out when writing down our “Dirt Lines” for the season’s program. You should interview two of the freshmen, like Jordan or Cece – they do PLENTY of things that are scandalous.

I know those two. They are the ones who wrote a rugby song about how WUFO is lame, or something of the like. . . as a rugby player aren’t you bred to have hostile feelings towards WUFO?

Yes, well, it just sucks and that is all I have to say! No, seriously the best things about their big tournament were the pumpkins on the field, which I stole.

Those pumpkins were there to demarcate boundaries for the WUFO players. You realize because of you they are probably running awry in complete chaos on the fields.

I don’t care. I stole five pumpkins. We are gonna carve them and make jack-o-lanterns. The other night we walked into a teammate’s apartment on Spring Street with piles of fallen leaves and a pumpkin and just tossed it all in there. We all thought her apartment needed to be a bit more festive. It looked nice but now there is a bit of an insect infestation up there. But it was for the sake of beauty.

You ruggers had Tea Party last [Saturday] night. What is this business?

We sip tea and discuss our love of the game. Tea of the Long Island variety. . . Oh, and we perform skits and sing songs and generally make fun of the Officers of the team and its various members. And we make fun of WUFO. Did I mention that WUFO sucks? It’s nothing personal. It’s a rugby thing. They were in the snack bar last night wearing leaves and small amounts of clothing. Which is not very different from a rugby party. . .

You have naked parties?

It is a process of shedding that goes hand in hand with the drinking of more tea.

Have you partaken in this nudity?

Not yet.

You just prefer to show the world your butt during the sober daytime hours?

Hey, don’t knock it. . . it’s a nice butt. I like these jeans. We sometimes have themes for our events, one of them was Dominatrix. We also had the theme Daytona Beach. This didn’t involve much clothing. It was taken from a spring break trip. During that trip a bunch of girls decided they were gonna steal everyone’s underwear – they thought they were getting clean underwear, but they got some dirty ones in the mix. So they individually packaged them in plastic bags and hid them in the dresser drawer of our coach, Gina, to frame her. One girl flipped out that someone stole her brand new Jockeys and she was checking everyone’s business out all day. Then our coach found them all and figured it out. Gina was tossing them out to their owners like they were Christmas presents.

If they had been wearing pants such as yours, she could have easily seen who was wearing her new Jockeys.

You do not wear underwear with pants like these!

A thong?

No. Commando. A friend of mine once told me you should never, ever wear underwear when you wear blue jeans because it is so much more comfortable. And ever since then, it has been a little trademark of mine to go Commando in my jeans, a little secret that no one knows about. Well, I guess until now.

I hear that there is a contingency on the rugby team that prefers to practice in thongs, are you among this lot?

No. I am pure Commando. Just kidding.

I hope so. Isn’t there a position where you lift up another player by reaching under her shorts?

Oh yes, and I would not be a bit happy if she went commando because I am the one who has to do the lifting. Can we talk about how I am from the Midwest? I love the Midwest! Even though people think we are creepy and have weird accents.

Speaking of creepy and weird, I have seen you driving around campus while wearing a scrumcap, one of those funny-looking soft helmets you are supposed to wear while playing to keep you from concussions. Any particular reason you sport the scrumcap in the car?

It keeps my hair in place.

It’s not like you drive a convertible.

No, I drive a little green car that makes really loud noises because it has no brakes. So I drive around campus with my scrumcap on because it’s like a helmet, and sometimes I even wear my mouthguard.

Tell me more about the Midwest. Do you live in the rural sticks of Illinois or what?

I live in a suburb outside of Chicago. We have cows in our zoo. People think I am the weirdest person because of that. I tell them all the time, and they just don’t believe me! And it makes me mad, because it’s true! We have cows in our zoo, damn it!

Of the things you have told me, I don’t think the fact that you have cows in your zoo is the thing that makes you the “weirdest.” Well, you picked a good school to come to for cows. Does it warm your heart to see them here, out of the zoo and in their natural habitat?

Yes, but you can’t milk them like you can at the zoo. At our zoo, you can milk the cows and then take their milk home, which I have personally never done. Have you ever milked a cow?

No. Have you ever seen Meet the Parents? That movie asserts you can milk anything with nipples, such as cats. Have you ever done that?

No, my mom’s allergic. We have dogs, which I have never milked. But I did milk a goat once. That was interesting. . .

Okay you bizarre Midwesterner, where do you live here?

I live in Tyler Annex. The only time we really bond is when the fire alarm goes off in the middle of the night. The best part of that is discovering couples, seeing who files out of the building together. It’s far from everything, so I had to drive to this interview.

Where’s your helmet?

I don’t have it. I was in a rush, so I had to sacrifice personal safety. You want to cut out some of my merciless mocking of the WUFO team?

No. They know it’s not personal at all. Besides, they can just as easily make fun of you now, you Midwestern freak.