Friendly Neighborhood Sports Columnist

In case you missed it, the NESCAC presidents have released their latest innovative idea in support of their long-term goal of abolishing all forms of recreation that do not include blue books and text books.

You might have missed the announcement seeing that last week was reading period and we were all locked up in the library. Oh, wait, I forgot. All the professors give their exams right before reading period. Apparently, communication is lacking between administration and faculty. My personal favorites are the classes that have two midterms. I may be incorrect, but isn’t the phrase “two midterms” an oxymoron? Or is it just moronic?

In any case, this makes reading period optional. And by optional, I mean you have two options. One is to catch up on all the reading that you have just been tested on in hopes of doing better on the final. The other is to enjoy it. Uh, I’ll take a Coors Light, please.

Back to the presidents, who are the dumbest smart people I have ever met (yes, that might also be considered oxymoronic, but at least you’re not being graded on it). Actually, the only one I have ever met is Morty, and he is thus excluded from this article, for one man only has so much power when it comes to facing the rest of the NESCAC brain trust.

On a side note, I also like Morty because I can call him Morty and he sounds like my best friend. Like I would ever walk up to him and say, “Hey Morty, what are those morons, I mean Mules, from Colby thinking?” It’s like when Will Hunting tells the story of the flight attendant. Of course Will has never been on a plane – “hey, hon, don’t forget the coffee. . .” – but it makes for a much better joke if told in the first person. It also makes for a much better article when I can refer to him as Morty.

So the NESCAC presidents have voted in favor of making captain’s practices, and I pause because I am not quite sure what the right word is here, illegal? No, no, that is not it. Legal refers to the law. They can’t make them against the law, can they? What about making them prohibited? Perhaps, but who is going to enforce that – Robin and the rest of his crew? Maybe the correct word is “wrong,” and we are to police ourselves. In any case, this is a great idea, don’t you think?

I mean, frankly, I don’t see why they stopped here. I think they should have just outlawed all forms of exercise. Excuse me, sir, you need to slow down. You are walking waaay too fast. You could actually burn some calories at that pace. You know damn well there will be no exercise permitted on this campus.

I think we should be considered lucky that we still have a season at all. The way things are going, we could be the last class to ever finish our careers. What a treat! What do you say we all chip in on a big card for los presidentes just to say thanks for all they have done for us? How could they be so kind?

I mean, I go down to Cole Field in the spring and see soccer players playing soccer. That just pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe. They should be in the library. All day. Every day.

Then I go to the weight room and I can’t believe my eyes. There are some football players working out! That’s just absurd. I have to restrain myself from going in and reading some Tennyson to them while they work out just so that maybe, even if it is subconscious, they gain at least some knowledge while they go to Williams. Why don’t we just get rid of the weight room altogether? That would make the whole situation a lot easier. Fletcher who? He’s already gone.

And the basketball players? They are the absolute worst! They are always doing something. I don’t see how any of them ever pass any class because they are only in the library for three hours a night. They must take all the easy classes, don’t you think? I wonder if the administration has developed a special curriculum for them. . .

Don’t get me started on the Sports Illustrated article. The one in which they used phrases like “Div. III dynasty,” “three national titles last year” and “a combined record of 595-50-1.” Who cares? Let’s get back to Dante and derivatives. I mean, sure that’s all nice and grand, but I want to know what they got on the second calculus midterm. That is what is truly important in life. Plus, anyone with half a brain (or a calculator) knows that 595-50-1 is only a winning percentage of .922. That’s like, what, an A-? Who wants an A-? Slackers!

I’ll tell you what: Those NESCAC presidents are doing more for us than we realize. What a great bunch of guys. I don’t know about you, but I just have two words for them. . .

Oops, scratch that. My mother always said that if you don’t have anything nice you say, don’t say anything at all.