White Dawgs, Killer Bs slaughter Candy Stripers

The savage and undefeated White Dawgs from Williams College, in a Pantera-like Vulgar Display of Power, shut out the Candy Stripers of Keene State 65-0 on Saturday. Let’s play a little word association game, when I say WRFC, what do you think? What?! No, no, none of that stuff is true… let me tell you what you should think. Try, “awesome, rad, gnarly, bodacious, dudical,” or any other ultra-cool 80’s era adjective that could summarize both the skill and the style of the men’s rugby team.

The White Dawgs got off to a slow start, and things weren’t looking so good when, a few minutes into the game, the Candy Stripers were within inches of a try. However, like any good pool shark, the White Dawgs were just putting up a front to allow the bets on the sideline to accumulate before trouncing their opponent. Over-hydrated with enthusiasm, Adam “The Jake” Jacobson ’03 broke the proverbial seal when, 10 minutes into the game, he scored the first try.

In the words of Honorary Williams Poet Laureate Ex-Officio, Robert Anthony Plant, “when the levee breaks, mama, you got to move.” And move, Keene State did. So much in fact that the self-proclaimed, “absolutely least talented player on the field,” “Sober” Steve Rahl ’05, was able to meander past the sloppy Keene defense and score a hat trick of tries in under ten minutes.

Reflecting on his miraculous success, Rahl exclaimed, “I haven’t scored on a Candy Striper this much since I finished up my time at Betty Ford!”

Soon after, Rafael Cruz “Missile” ’05, encouraged by the triumph of his classmate and soul mate Rahl, snatched the ball from the air and with a surgeon’s precision, drilled a gash in the Candy Striper line. With only one minute before the closing whistle of the first half, Jacobson decided to bookend his earlier try with a second one.

With the addition of two conversions by line captain Zak “Fokker” Haviland ’04, the White Dawgs ended the half with a substantial lead, 34-0. But that’s the thing with the best: They never rest.

At half-time, the Keene State rugby club founder and former Candy Striper Head Coach, Bruce “Benedict Anderson” Stephenson – the current Head Coach for the Williams Rugby Football Club (WRFC) – openly encouraged the White Dawgs to play without mercy and run the score up as best they could.

The sophomore sensation, Dennis “D*Nyce” Immonje ’05, took the turncoat’s advice and showboated throughout the second half.

While the scrummies pushed each other and grunted through most of the second, the glorious White Dawg Immonje maintained flawless composure and waited, unblinkingly, like a snake in the grass before the big strike.

Just three minutes into the half, Immonje mustered every last thing in his bag of tricks to show just how talented he is, stunning the Candy Stripers with the first in his hat trick of tries.

Fellow back Akil “Diesel” Pascal ’04 received a wide pass, wrapped the ball under his arms, and demonstrated the “bowling-ball” technique, sending pinheaded Candy Stripers in every direction before he rolled into the try-zone.

Also scoring a try was Tom “What, Me Capt?” Kramer ’03. Haviland added three more conversions before the beating was finished, making the final score a whopping 65-0.

The Killer B’s also won the day, defeating a Candy Striper B-Side that seemed to be assembled from members of the middle school volleyball squad, not true ruggers.

Attempting to rival the victorious A-Side, the B’s shattered Keene 53-6. The first half saw tries by Alex “Piglet” Smith ’06, Ben “Flamingo” Fleming ’05, Andrew “Psycho” Marks ’05 and Davis “Carrot Cake” Parker ’05.

Like their tough brothers on the A-Side, the Killer Bs came out swinging in the second with tries by Evan “Fonzie” Couzo ’05, Eric “Hansel” Markowsky ’06 and once A-Side captain, now disgraced B-Side second-halfer, Tom “Ringer” Kramer.

Heads-up play was witnessed in Christopher “Slinky” Gibson ’06 and Jeremy “Donkus Aquaticus” Koulish ’04. Aided by his videotaping mother, Mrs. “Milf” Smith, who was in attendance on the sideline, Piglet managed 22 points on the day.

An honorable mention goes to the Candy Striper B-side member known only as “Real Deal” for the absolute ridiculousness of his play. Keene State intelligence (is that an oxymoron?) reported from the sideline that this acrobatic rugger has already created a promotional video and is in training to join the WWF.

Unfortunately, poor “Real Deal” confused Saturday afternoon rugby with Monday Night Heat, and was sent to the Sin Bin when he delivered a fierce, Macho Man-style flying elbow to a Williams player lying on the ground. He was reprimanded again when he attempted to climb the goal posts to “finish him off.”

All in all, it was a great day for the undefeated White Dawgs, but the road ahead is fraught with peril. Next Saturday they play St. Mike’s at 1 p.m. on Cole Field.

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