It was a truly lovely afternoon and the cream of Vermont’s crop, its prestigious landed gentry, the UVM Victorians, had decided to spend their leisure time engaging the Williams Rugby Football Club White Dawgs in the diversion of a rugby match. When UVM’s caravan of horse-drawn carriages arrived at the pitch and the doors were flung open by the primly dressed footmen, it was clear the name Victorians was clearly a misnomer.
The hulking brutes that lumbered from the delicate rides looked more like convicts than Victorians. In fact, some of them were still wearing their county blues. No matter: the Dawgs handled these beasts like they’ve handled all the rest, by shutting them out 9-0.
From the kick-off, this was a very tense match for the White Dawgs. The Victorian pack had more weight (baby fat) than that of the Dawgs and succeeded in turning the Williams scrum numerous times during the match.
The battle in the scrum was paralleled by the battle in the backfield, where the speedy White Dawgs often found themselves encountering the wall of flesh and body odor that was the Victorian line.
Once during the first half, the White Dawgs found themselves fending off the Victorians only feet from the try line. The White Dawg scrum fought tooth and nail, battling back the UVM attack through a series of rucks, scrums and penalties and successfully keeping the Victorians scoreless. Particularly crucial in the scrum was the play of “Tall” Mike Ebell ’03, Chris “Misdemeanor” Mishoe ’05 and Simon “Red” Maloy ’03.
Like their gene pool, the Vermont playbook lacks variation; it was only brute force and arm biting that propelled the Victorians forward at all during the game. It was the sharp eye of White Dawg linie and Kenyan expatriate Dennis “D*Nyce” Immonje ’05 that foiled many a Victorian play. With a heart of darkness, the 4-foot-7 D*Nyce shocked many the Vermonters with his perfectly performed form tackles. Ouch.
In the past, the Victorians have been famous for their bad haircuts and dirty play. Predictably, this year was no different. They sported such popular looks as the “St. Louis Rams helmet,” the inverted Mohawk, and the attention-grabbing rat-tail.
The Victorians’ arsenal of dirty moves included headbutting, ear-grabbing, spitting, foot-stomping, passing of gas and even the dreaded purple-nurple.
One A-Sider, Tom “Cubes” Cubeta ’03 was seen lying on the ground receiving kicks to the head from Victorian scrummie Bill Lummox Number Three.
The Victorians, whose play is dirtier than Gilbert Godfried’s mind, committed an excessive number of fouls throughout the game, and this turned out to be their fatal error.
Twice in the first half the White Dawgs were awarded penalty kicks inside of the Victorian red zone. With squeals of delight, Williams scrumhalf Zak “Fokker” Haviland completed both of his attempts, giving the White Dawgs a 6-0 lead by the half. With less than a try lead at the half, the White Dawgs knew they had to come out with muskets blazin’, but it was not until well into the second half that they were to find themselves within scoring distance of the Victorian try zone.
Like a family of flying trapeze artists, the Williams line and scrum worked in unison to create the continuous play that overwhelmed the burly and sluggish Vermont team.
Stupidly, the Victorians committed another foul. Haviland applied a tremendous boot to the ball and the Dawgs found themselves up by a comfortable score of 9-0. The Victorians’ husky girlfriends began to sing. It was over.
The Williams B-Side took the field and also fought valiantly. The College mourned and the flags were flown at half-mast, however, when unexpectedly, the Killer B’s were upset, and lost the game.
Accumulating all of the White Dawg points on the day was the boyish looking Haviland, who had this to say for himself: “I feel great! I haven’t scored this much since the prefrosh were in town! Um, uhh, that’s because the prefrosh always play us in an exhibition game. Yea, exhibitionism.”