One in 2000: Anri Wheeler

So how does this work? I’m not funny.

Just speak into the tape recorder, and I am sure you are extraordinarily exciting. Tell me about your scintillating life as a Housing Coordinator.

Well, scintillating is perhaps not the right word.

Which house are you coordinating?

Well, I am in charge of Hubbell and Dodd Annex, but I reside in Hubbell 206 for any of you out there who would like to come visit me. It’s nice. I get to plan six activities a semester for my houses, and I get to go to these really long meetings once a week where people talk about lots of things.

Define “lots of things?” Do you do any role-playing?

There was role-playing during training, but our group opted to just discuss the issue, rather than act it out. Unfortunately, there is no role-playing during weekly meetings. Unfortunately, I do not get to see Rob Sica in a role-play.

I heard during training there was also an exciting game of Mafia played at the Log amidst chips and soft drinks.

Oh yes, when the game of Mafia broke out I actually left. I had to leave just because I work at a summer camp, and Mafia is played all summer long and I just couldn’t play another f—–g game.

I am going to have to edit out that expletive. Let’s keep this G-rated for the family readers.

My grandfather could potentially be reading this. Well, probably not. He probably only gets the Alumni Review. He often will rip out clippings from the Alumni Review and send them to me, as if I do not in fact work for the Alumni Review. That’s a new thing, I am the “Student Assistant to the Alumni Review.”

What exactly does that job entail?

90 percent of my time at the Alumni Review so far has actually been spent writing obituaries. I’m afraid I am going to come across the name of a family member of someone I know. It’s very likely, there are many legacies at this school. I myself am a legacy.

So you’re a senior?

Yes.

What do you think about being a senior girl?

Well, yes, some people believe they are the only people more desperate than a freshman boy. However, I think that just reduces the whole social scene into some hookup meat market. I enjoy being a senior girl because I can walk around and look at the freshmen girls and think, “It took me a long time to get here, and I’m glad I’m here. I don’t need a glittery tube top to make me feel better about myself.”

Were you a big fan of glittery tube tops during your freshman year?

I had one tube top that had a little tie in the front, but it was not quite glittery.

Speaking of the hookup meat market, how do you feel about the First Chance Dance?

I guess I just feel that we’ve already been at school for two weeks, so many people have already expended their “first chance,” so this dance really comes too late. But it is a nice complement to the Last Chance Dance, which comes right before graduation. I am probably going to wear my dress from Target, because I feel that this is a Target-level-dress-event.

You wouldn’t want to spend more on the dress than on the ticket.

Well, for my prom I bought my dress at Bloomingdale’s. We should have a prom. A senior prom. It would be fun, you know, spike the punch and dance to MC Hammer, like an episode of 90210.

Is Beverly Hills 90210 your favorite show?

Sex and the City is the best show ever.

Ever? Qualify that. I feel like that is a generic female response.

90210 is a close second. I mean, 90210 is what we grew up on. When 90210 ended, my childhood ended.

That’s a very long childhood. The show aired for about 10 years.

Well, I was a late bloomer. For a brief period of time someone decided it would be a good idea to produce Beverly Hills, 90210 trading cards, of which I collected the entire set.

Do you have those with you at school?

No, unfortunately they are still back at home in Manhattan.

So you’re from New York? Yet another reason you like Sex and the City.

Yes, and I like to think of myself and my high school friends as being the girls from Sex and the City.

Is that weird being someplace like Williams and coming from New York City?

Originally, I wanted to get away from the City. I wanted to come to a small rural area, such as Williamstown, but you know after a while, after three years well, it gets small fast, and you want to get away. But I don’t have a car or a license. I do have a Learner’s Permit.

How’s that working out for you?

Well, here’s the stupid thing. So I turned 21 last January, and I wanted to buy some alcohol. You know, have the rush of buying my first alcohol. So I marched down to the liquor store on Spring Street, and the man behind the counter said mockingly, “I’m sorry, we don’t accept Learner’s Permits.” And I look at him, and I want to explain it means that I am not going to drink and drive. But it’s okay because the Spirit Shop doesn’t discriminate. Non-drivers allowed!

Are you going to take the plunge and take driving lessons up here in Williamstown?

I thought about it and I actually signed up for them last semester, but then I thought of the mortification of being that person in the car with the big yellow “STUDENT DRIVER” pyramid on top, weaving my way through students that are headed back and forth from class and it was just too much for me.

And then there’s the parallel parking on Spring Street.

I did take my road test once in Red Hook, Brooklyn. And I failed. Parallel parking? I aced the parallel parking, and then I proceeded to turn into the oncoming traffic lane of a two-way street. However, if you think about it, if there actually had been oncoming traffic I would have realized that it was a two-way street. The inspector guy was very mean to me, almost made me cry, but I didn’t want to pull an Alicia Silverstone in Clueless, so I just accepted my little yellow failure sheet and moved on.

So that failure is the real reason you haven’t taken driving lessons up here?

Perhaps, but my friend says she is going to teach me. Maybe by the time I graduate I will be a licensed driver.

Well, best of luck to you in that and at the First Chance Dance this evening.