Chipmunks no match for the White Dawgs in rugby opener

In this season’s home opener against Castleton State, the magnificent Williams Rugby Football Club shut out the Chipmunks 45-0. As the White Dawgs took the pitch late Saturday morning, the shimmering light of God illuminated their jerseys with the brilliance of a Bernini sculpture. Cole Field, recently christened “mother rugby’s navel,” was about to be home to a good ole’ fashioned ass-whupping.

To understand the significance of this game we must first understand the significance of the day, September 14. On this date, 21 years previous, Dawg rugger Thomas “Cubes” Cubeta ’03 was born, springing fully-grown from the head of New-Zealand All-Blacks legend Jonah Lomu.

The stars were aligned for Cubes and seven minutes into the A-Side game he received a long pass to the wing and used his mighty boot to loft the ball over the dome of the Chipmunk defender charging him. Another Chipmunk bobbled the reception and Cubes swiftly kicked the ball through this second defender’s trembling legs. The ball tumbled into the end zone and Cubes effortlessly and gracefully performed a swan dive onto the ball giving the Dawgs their first try of the season. White Dawg line captain Zac “Fokker” Haviland ’04 soared the ball through the uprights giving the Dawgs seven points.

Inspired by Cubes’ glory, the Dawgs were fired up. White Dawg scrum captain, Tom “Blood” Kramer ’03 waited in the backfield until a series of seamless rucks and passes found the ball in his hand. With his opponents desperately on his heels, Blood pounded through the scurrying Chipmunk line like a wrecking ball and placed the ball in the try zone. Just minutes later, off a tricky weak side play, Kramer scored a second try and the Dawgs were up 19-0 with only twenty minutes of regulation passed.

When asked about his play after the game, Kramer waxed philosophical: “Imagine the rugby field as a Cartesian grid. It’s all about derivatives. When I receive the ball I watch the rate of change of my opponents’ movements. A few quick calculations and I can accurately predict and plot every possible location of my opponent. Then I grunt, close my eyes, and run forward as fast as I can.”

Kramer was not the only two-try superstar on the field Saturday. In perfect position throughout the entire game, wing Adam “The Jake” Jacobson ’03 moved like a greased hog at a Texas county fair, continuously slipping through the gaps in the Chipmunk line.

He scored his first off a flying windmill kick and his second in tandem with Ari “Sandman” Kessler ’04 using the old Statue of Liberty play. Not to be forgotten was the play of Simon “Red” Maloy ’03 whose svelte new body took him to smoking new heights when he scored a try for the White Dawgs.

White Dawg newcomer, Rob “Igor” Hassel ’03 got his first taste of rugby glory when he dragged the ball along with three dangling Chipmunk defenders into the try-zone. The White Dawgs gathered around Igor as he celebrated his first try while he admired his ripped and bloodied teammates.

The Killer B’s continued their dominance of the day when they trounced the Chipmunk’s B-side 27-0. The first score came from twisting and spinning Davis “Carrot Cake” Parker ’05. Parker bookended his performance by scoring another try at the end of the game, giving him 10 points on the day.

Not to be outdone, Alex “Piglet” Smith ’06 used his hands, feet, heart, soul, face, toes, fingers, cuticles and curly-cue tail to score 12 points for the Killer B’s. Also seeing his name on the scoreboard was Steve “E.D.” Rahl ’05 who was able to slip past his opponents with a series of fakeries that confused many rugby authorities, but only for a little while.

On a darker note, two weekends ago, during Alumni Weekend, the WRFC and the campus at large was overtaken by an armed forces invasion. Cocked and loaded, this brigade rampaged through a number of houses on campus, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. The WRFC team wants to officially apologize for any and all damage done and extend the olive branch to the community at large. With the expulsion of this renegade unit, the White Dawgs hope that we can repair burned bridges and once again return to the Pax Mortimus.