Darrin Lillie (and pals)
Job: Security Officer
Home: Adams, MA
Party stop: Queer Bash
A Security Officer, two Williams students and an Irish man walk into a bar. . .Oh, it’s no joke my friends. For my last One in 2000 and with my editor’s blessings, I have decided to completely subvert the format. So move over Pete Holland ’05, you no longer possess the record of having the greatest number of people in One in 2000. This week’s lucky subjects are Security Officer Darrin Lillie, Karen McCloskey ’02 and Kevin Healy, the token Irishman.
Karen: Wait, you’re starting the recording? Before we get our drinks?
Darrin: I’m getting nervous.
Caroline: Where’s the waitress? I want my Bloody Mary.
Kevin: What’s a Bloody Mary?
Darrin: You don’t want to try it.
Kevin: I’ll take a beer. A bowt-el o’Busch.
Caroline: And an order of Buffalo wings!!!
Darrin: Fortunately for you, they’re out of Busch.
Kevin: I’ll take a Coors Light then.
Kevin: Well, let me try your drink.
Caroline: Ok. There’s a lot of horseradish though.
Kevin: What else is in it?
Darrin: No, tell him what the other 14 ingredients are in there. Horseradish, oyster juice, dirt. . .cigarette ashes from last night [Kevin tastes it anyway.]
Kevin: Oh, that’s disgusting. It’s really salty.
Caroline: Well, tomato juice tends to be that way.
Kevin: I don’t really like tomato juice.
Caroline: Well, in the spirit of full disclosure, there’s a lot of tomato juice in a Bloody Mary. That’s why it’s red.
Kevin: Yes, well anyway, lovely weather we’re having here.
Caroline: How was meeting Karen’s parents?
Kevin: It was grand.
Caroline: Grand? What boyfriend says it was grand to meet his girlfriend’s parents?
Kevin: Yeah, it was okay.
Caroline: Are you downgrading?
Kevin: No, no! It was grand! In Irishspeak, you know, it was cool.
Darrin: Whatever. It’s like going to a dentist to get teeth pulled. You might get lots of novocaine but it’s never an easy thing.
Kevin: You know what I want in America, though. Doughnuts. I feel like in America, that’s what you have to do. All the Dunkin’ Donuts in Ireland shut down so there’s no more hot pink and orange happiness around.
Caroline: Well, you know what else you should do? Go to Glacial Potholes. See, a long time ago, Massachusetts was covered by a huuuu-uge, glacier and as it moved, little pebbles whittled away potholes into the granite and now it’s a bunch of swimming holes.
Darrin: Well, I know about them because Pete, Sr. was around at the time and always tells us stories.
Karen: Really? [Directly into the microphone] I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS WAY YOUNGER!
Darrin: And how many parking tickets do you have, Karen?
Caroline: You shameless little hussy!
Karen: Hey! I may be shameless, I may be a hussy, but I’m not little! So, did I ever tell you how I became friends with Darrin? Well, I was working Senior Week last year and after working Dinner Dance, I worked Perry late-night. Well, the next day, I was setting up for another party and Darrin yells, “Go Mets!” I couldn’t remember ever talking to him.
Darrin: Yeah, it was just 30 minutes at the keg. Total brown-out, though.
Karen: So, what’s the worst dorm on campus?
Darrin: Oh, I can’t answer that question. We rate those things on a curve. Some dorms are a lot less lucky than others though.
Karen: Well, I take statistics and even though I’m not very good at it, I do know the more parties you have, the greater the likelihood that you’ll get caught.
Caroline: Oh Karen you are so S-M-R-T!!! So, it’s too bad that you were working campus this Spring Fling. I saw Officer Roberts and I was about to take his walkie-talkie and say, “Darrin, Darrin, where are you?!?!” But I didn’t think he’d like that. After all, he’s a supervisor and wears official white, as opposed to bumblebee yellow.
Darrin: That was probably a good call. But I did stop in at some of the parties. I stopped by Queer Bash around 11:30- they had the catwalk all set up for the drag show.
Karen: Did you win?
Darrin: Ha, ha.