A preview of things to come

When I asked my editor what I should write about this week, she said, “How do pre-frosh make you feel?” I responded by saying, “horny.” What my editor really meant was for me to write an article about pre-frosh and how they invade the Purple Valley for two weeks. Well for starters, they are here to see if they want to attend Williams next year. These high school seniors have all been accepted and might comprise the class of 2006. After speaking with and meeting several of these students, I am left to conclude that next year’s class is a major step down from 2005. This is surprising because I am in the class of ’05.

I actually had the privilege of hosting a pre-frosh this previous Monday night. My pre-frosh is demanding a refund. Actually, my pre-frosh was a she. The College wanted to show how mature men are on the campus, which makes the choice of me as a host lack any sense. It is the equivalent of giving Woody Allen foster children. Of course, I did not marry my pre-frosh, but, on the other hand, I have no Oscars.

I can still remember introducing my pre-frosh to people in my entry, they all had the same reaction: “You have a pre-frosh?” To which I responded, “The system isn’t foolproof.” I took the night off from drinking to show my pre-frosh around the campus. Let me tell you, the campus is quite beautiful when you’re sober.

There were several events for the pre-frosh to attend. The pre-frosh were welcome to attend classes on both Monday and Tuesday morning. The good thing about having all those pre-frosh is that the professors did not realize how many people were actually cutting classes. The worst part about having pre-frosh is when they show you up in class. I get kind of nervous when a prefrosh makes more intelligent comments than me on a reading that neither of us read. I have not looked that bad since my mom dressed me in a mu-mu.

Pre-frosh were then treated to academic open houses to meet members of the faculty in each department. In the psychology department the students were asked, “now that you have been accepted at Williams, how does that make you feel?” The anthropology department asked, “How do you think past generations of pre-frosh at Williams felt?” The economics department asked, “How much longer are your parents going to have to work to pay your tuition at Williams?” The art history department asked, “How do you think the guy in this painting feels about you getting accepted at Williams?” The Spanish department asked, “Como te sientes, ahora que sabes que fuiste admitida a Williams?”

Later on, the pre-frosh were treated to the Purple Key Fair and special interest open houses. All these groups set up tables and started telling the pre-frosh how good their group was. The Jewish Religious Center offered circumcisions at their table. However, that activity was eventually cut off. The Record had a table. I was banned from it. Apparently, I would scare people off, rather than attract them. However, I mentioned I had a pre-frosh, to whom they offered their condolences.

Later on in the night was the event upperclassmen have been waiting for since last spring: pre-frosh night at the Log. I have not seen that many upperclassmen at the Log since the beach party with the wet t-shirt contest. The Log was jammed and the dance floor was packed tighter than spandex on a fat man. I had to grind with ten people just to get across the dance floor, which was not a bad thing.

Outside the Log, the line was longer than the one at the Oscars. However good the Log might have been, the College took several measures to make sure the pre-frosh were not exposed to alcohol. I can assure the College that none of the pre-frosh I came across drank. I should know, because I was offering. If anyone is not doing anything and wants to finish off this keg in my room, you are more than welcome. In all seriousness though, the pre-frosh had a really good time at the Log, and it looked like the upperclassmen had an even better time.

The next morning, once everyone took an aspirin to relieve their hangovers, it was off to more classes. The pre-frosh were treated to lunch in the dining halls. I thought we wanted these kids to come here. After lunch and a Pepto-Bismol, the pre-frosh were headed back to high school. When I asked my pre-frosh if she was going to come here next year she slapped me, but I think it was a yes slap. It was sad to see all the pre-frosh go home, but it was good to know that there would be another group this week. Of course, parents’ weekend was sandwiched between the pre-frosh weekends. It is funny how we go from pre-frosh to post-frosh to pre-frosh again. All right, I’ve got to head out to the Log and get ready for the next batch of pre-frosh.