Your Friendly Neighborhood Sports Columnist: From “Caddyshack” to Cameron Diaz

Well, it has been a long weekend, and I am rather unmotivated and not feeling particularly creative. Therefore this is what I am going to call a “random thoughts” article. This is where I share certain facts or opinions, mostly based on sports, but not exclusively on sports. And maybe you will find one or two entertaining. So here goes.

Has Michael Jordan finally met his match? Perhaps. But it is not Kobe, Vince, or Tracy. No, it is the same guy who slowed down Mickey Mantle’s bat and Muhammad Ali’s jab – Father Time. Introduce yourself, but try not to get too close.

Recently heard debate: Cameron Diaz or Penelope Cruz? I will take the underdog, Ms. Cruz. If you can hang with Tom Cruise, I am guessing you might be okay.

Is it just me, or are the Americans inventing new events at the Olympics to enhance our medal count? I kept waiting for those guys on bikes to come flying down the mountain. And when are they going to add that event where you jump on skis into a big pool of freezing water? Rumor has it that the 2006 Games will be brought to you by Billabong, and instead of playing the American national anthem at the gold medal ceremonies, they will be playing P.O.D.’s “Youth of a Nation.”

Trent Dilfer just signed a four-year contract that could be worth, with incentives, up to $18 million. In related news, my dream of growing up to be an NFL quarterback is apparently still alive.

Spring is in the air, or was at the time I was writing this. Am I the only person who has an inverse relationship between classes attended and the temperature outside?

Speaking of spring, spring training takes the cake for the most undeserved media attention. For one, if you believed what you saw, you would be convinced that every single team has a great chance at winning it all, which is just a lie. Second, Red Sox fans are at perhaps their most annoying state, as they are perpetually hopeful (though I will say that getting Amherst grad Dan Duquette out of there was a step, no, a leap, in the right direction). That having been said, nothing compares to sitting in the grass on a lazy spring afternoon and enjoying a spring training game. Indeed, it’s one of life’s finer pleasures.

What do “Caddyshack”, wine and sex have in common (not that I would know, Mom)? They all get better with age. I am convinced that “Caddyshack” has the greatest ratio of one-liners per minute of any movie. Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield and Chevy Chase in one movie! It gets better and better every time. The movie, that is.

This brings me to my next point. Judging by his appearance at the Grammy’s, Billy Joel has nothing in common with the aforementioned items. Billy is one of my favorites, but Father Time has certainly not been Father Kind to him. I didn’t know whether it was the Grammy’s or Billy Joel’s 75th birthday celebration. Maybe I just haven’t seen him for the longest time.

Two words – March Madness. My picks: Kansas beats Gonzaga in the title game 95-89, and it will be the most entertaining final in recent years. But in reality, Gonzaga guard Dan Dickau is the real winner. He gets the award for hottest girlfriend in the tourney. If you saw the recent Sports Illustrated, then you know exactly what I am talking about. The most unintentional comedy in sports has to be a coach’s press conferences when he is not feeling particularly chatty. I don’t care what you think of the Nolan Richardson situation, you have to admit that you were rolling on the floor when you saw that press conference. Nolan was impressive, but the Academy Award still goes to Jim Mora.

Scariest thought of the week: Andy Campbell, Memphis native, has burned me a country CD. And I think I actually like it (yes, I am running out of ideas).

I can’t believe I am typing this, but there are plans of a fight to take place between Tonya Harding and Amy Fisher. Why not just throw it on the under card of the Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis fight? Or better yet, why not have a tag-team match? Forget “Caddyshack”. That, my friends, would be high comedy.

And, finally, is there anything worse than when your season comes to an end? Such an empty what-am-I-going-to-do-now feeling. Though we had dreams of other destinations (ones that will be reached in the future), it is, ultimately, about the journey. And in that regard, I couldn’t have asked for anything more.