One in 2000: Loren Silvertrust

So, you’re familiar with this column?

Yeee-ah.

And you know it is a HUMOR-oriented interview, right?

Yes.

Ok, good. Because last week, the now-former One in 2000 was called into Security for making them look, well, not so good. It mostly had to do with giving away that the “secret” of the universal party invite is something that, for the sake of avoiding further disclosure, rhymes with “lindow.”

Really. Then I won’t say anything about Security.

Yes. That was the moral of the story. But, in thinking of how what we say doesn’t REALLY mean anything, I was thinking that this could be the “Rag on the Administration” version of One in 2000 featuring you, Loren Silvertrust.

I like to rag on things.

Good, so it’s going to be complete, unadulterated negativity in the form of word association. If you have anything nice to say, don’t say it. Oh! Should we use offices or names?

We could mix up the names for anonymous-ness.

Good idea! Ok, Shorty Mapiro.

[leans very close to microphone and yells] Getting booted out of your econ class! Actually, I don’t really know him well enough on a personal basis to comment.

Rancy Noseman.

I don’t think I want this stuff in the article.

It’s ok. These names translate really well into mysterious pseudonyms. Bave Doyer.

See, I haven’t really had any run-ins with the Deans for disciplinary purposes as of yet, knock on wood. Although perhaps I should have.

Obviously the psuedonymity has confused you because I was referring to a highly placed person in Security.

Oh, I thought you were talking about Mrs. Bave Doyer. Oh, never mind. Start over.

[Person tries to open Baxter Lounge door from the outside]

Oh, look at that dufus trying to open the door. Jeez. I hate when people do that – it’s so f-ing cold.

Or, they don’t open the door.

Well, he’s just a fool – maybe he’s drunk.

On a Sunday night? I tend not to get drunk on a Sunday night.

How about in Sawyer?

Ooo, I would like to have a party in Sawyer. I think it would be fun.

It’s been done. How about in the monkey carrels with some sort of corny theme?

I think we should take over the entire library. Maybe a sketch-fest on the third floor, you know, where the sleeping forts are?

Yes, the couches!

I can’t study in those – I fall asleep. Although one time I was up there, trying to read The Tempest (I remember it well because I couldn’t understand it), and not one, but two people actually came running up the little fort stairs, passed out on the opposite couch for about 20 minutes and then got up and ran back down. Two separate people – it must be the “I need to crash” location.

They ran? That’s a little more manic than even the average Williams student.

Mmmm. . .yeah. Yes, it’s all about the uncomfortable wooden chairs because they force you to stay awake. And the squeaky green chairs. Actually, I have a little beef to pick with. . .um. . ..the “library media service employees.” They have made my life miserable in the library.

How about we call them the “deserve resk specialists?”

Yes. Excellent. They refuse to let me go upstairs and watch a movie that you can use for classes. I had a party of two. It’s allowed. And the girl said, “I don’t feel like walking upstairs.” And I had a party of two!

And in some religions, if you have two people, God’s there too, so really, you had three.

Well, we ended up having to watch the movies downstairs in the uncomfortable chairs with the greasy headphones that leave pimples around your ears.

Eeeewww. I haven’t had to watch a movie in awhile and now I’m really happy about that fact. Do you advocate bringing little nappy-wipes to clean the headphones?

Oh, that would be a good idea. I just hold them out a little bit, which is good because they’re too loud anyway.

Some people just turn the volume down.

Well, yeah but. . . [At this point, Loren continues with her library commentary until. . .]

Oh my God, I can’t believe you just said that. You’re going to Hell.

Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t put that in.

So, what do you think of the new CUL proposal? You know, following the example of CC setting up mikes and yelling at Hopkins Hall and all that.

Well, I just try and stay out of the housing mess and it worked pretty well last year for me. The problem with housing is that what tends to happen is the people that you may not want to live with are the ones who insist on forming the groups way in advance. Not in my particular case, but that seems to be a common theme. I’m all for new ways to meet people on this campus so if there are interesting groups, I’m for the proposal.

Now to finish up with the negativity theme, do you have any issues with “Sining Dervices?”

Not really. In fact, I sometimes try and communicate with the Baxter employees by leaving little faces and messages with my food so when I push it through on the conveyer belt, I always try to see if they notice. But they never have. They don’t get the full benefit of my artwork.

Do you ever get the full benefit of their artwork through a customized cake?

A customized cake? I’ve never gotten one of those!

Well, it has to be ordered for you.

Yes, I have no friends. I do get customized pizzas though, but sometimes those get stolen. People come up and say, “Oooo, a pizza for me! I didn’t know I made it, but whatever.”

“This person has my favorite toppings too! Where’s my soul mate, where’s my soul mate – oh well, I’ll take the pizza.”

That’s a good way to meet someone: just take the pizza and wait
for the person to come find you.

Oh, look. There’s another idiot trying to open the door. You think people could read.

There’s a sign [in Baxter Lounge]?

Well, no. Ok, I’ll limit my complaint to the Snack Bar. And the poor snack bar workers – they’re in their short-sleeved shirts. I can’t believe they don’t go postal.

They have gone postal. I’ve been kicked out for running. The guy leapt in front of me and made me go crashing into the table. Then he told me to stop running or get out.