Cold weather got you down? Tired of the same old spots on campus? Looking for a way to escape the pressures of class and just get away for a while? Or do you just need a new place to party? Boy, have I got the place for you.
It is centrally located, plays great music and is full of friendly people. They have beverages of your choice, if drinking is your thing, and more drugs than you can imagine, if that is your thing. They even have pools to swim in, tables to dance on and trampolines to jump on. And the best part is that there is no cover charge and you don’t even need an I.D. to get in. All ages are welcome. Really, what more could you want?
That’s right. Welcome to the Williams College training room at Chandler Gymnasium. It has enough water and Gatorade to support the College in case the College suddenly becomes isolated (imagine that!). It has enough ibuprofen to make you numb for a four-month period until classes are over in May, if they don’t make you numb by themselves.
It has some of the few pools in Williamstown; a hot one that serves as an adequate hot tub and a cold one that can also provide a sustained period of numbness. It has at least six training tables, and if I need to explain the possibilities of those, forget what I said earlier â€“ this is not the place for you. Perhaps best of all, it has a trampoline, which has even more possibilities than the training tables. All of this at no cost to you, unless you count that small fee called tuition.
The thing is, the gym is a bit understaffed, and the training room has suddenly become the hottest spot on campus. This strikes me as a bit odd, considering that it is a place you usually want to avoid at all costs (including the cost of tuition).
As a regular patron, I have been monitoring the situation for quite some time now, and am thoroughly convinced that Mike Frawley, the little mastermind behind this whole operation, has the most beautiful mind since John Nash and can make all of your problems disappear and all of your wishes come true. What else can explain the inordinate amount of visitors?
Apparently, in the attempt of the NESCAC presidents to remove any and all traces of athletics (including sports columns), athletic trainers were the first to go. Now you could walk into the training room with your mouth above your nose and six fingers on your left hand and you might have to wait to be treated. Fear not, however, the problem is not being ignored.
In the customary Williams way of problem-solving, we move at an incredibly slow place to make sure we do not overreact or make any rash decisions. We collect data and gather information for four months or a year, and if the problem hasn’t disappeared by then, the powers-that-be will consider doing something about it.
So now when you enter the training room, you are asked to sign in. Fair enough. It seems that at the end of this data-gathering period, a long list, a petition of sorts, will be presented to the Training Room Committee. Presumably, if enough signatures have been gathered, they might think about hiring another trainer; the possibilities are endless.
Call me a pessimist, but here’s to hoping that the Training Room Committee doesn’t come back with this verdict: “Well, Mr. Frawley, we know you are busy, but despite your high number of pulled hamstrings, you came up three torn ACL’s and five broken bones short of the necessary requirements. Keep your chin up, and better luck next year!”
So if you just can’t seem to find your social niche, or even if you are just in the area, come on down to the training room. It is the best thing to happen to Williams since Winter Study, which unofficially ends next week if any of you were wondering; that it ended two weeks ago is just an ugly rumor that the administration likes to tell. There is bound to be someone you know, and if there isn’t, take enough of the free drugs and you will meet people soon enough, and that’s good advice if I ever heard any.
Just don’t forget to sign in!