1 in 2000: David Seligman

Hey, what’s up? Sorry I smell – I just came back from working out. Usually, I spray some Febreeze on but I didn’t get a chance to.

As deodorant?

Yeah, sometimes I actually rub deodorant on myself. You know, a poor man’s washing machine.

I’ve heard showers are free here.

Well, yeah. It’s not so much the showers as it is the washing of the clothes. Of course I shower. Although sometimes when I get back from working out, I just sit around and do homework and so I spray some Right Guard on. In fact, I’ve gotten more compliments on that scent than my most expensive CK cologne.

Really?

Yes. They will say, “What scent is that?” And I will say, “Right Guard, Alpine Scent.”

Thanks for sharing your secret. So, whenever the issue of doing laundry comes up, it’s usually attributed to one of two limiting factors: socks or underwear. Is this the case for you?

It used to be. But I completely caved in and I called my mom and asked for some more boxers. Then socks were my limiting factor and I got more of those, so right now I can go for a long time. The pants you can pretty much re-wear.

That’s a very practical solution. My dilemma is always do wash or go commando.

Wait, don’t you have a progression? If I didn’t have enough underwear, I’d go to mesh shorts like these.

Wait, are you wearing underwear right now?

Definitely. I would never not wear underwear while working out. Bench press, no underwear – that’s just crossing the line. But anyway, after the mesh shorts, I have dipped into the long underwear phase twice this year.

Do you ever have the inside-out underwear phase?

Oh, no. That’s gross. Ugh, do you do that? That’s disgusting.

No, I don’t. It’s what my friends advocate over commando though. So, switching topics, how’s your roommate situation?

You know my roommate, right? He does ski patrol.

Yeah, I know Kevin. Is that his girlfriend on the door?

No, NO! That’s my sister, and she’s eight years old.

I always thought the biggest threat between guys was hitting on the other’s sister.

She’s eight!

She’ll be eighteen at some point.

Yeah, when Kevin’s a nasty old man. Besides, I’d beat him up.

Well, you’ve been working out.

I’ve been putting it off for awhile. But my mom notices the weight I’ve put on since being at school. She asks how much beer I’ve been drinking, and whether I’m exercising.

And the answers, respectively, are “lots” and “no,” right?

Plus, I’m so pale since there’s no sun here. Even in Denver, I don’t get this pale in the winter.

So, you’re from Denver?

Yeah.

And what’s your nickname?

Denver Dave.

Is it the alliteration that catches people’s attention?

No, but here’s a story about –

A man named Brady?

Um, no. But I was trying to figure out how people could remember my name, and it worked really well. My popularity here was at its peak.

When no one knew you, only your name?

Well, sort of.

Was this an original nickname or did you steal from another source?

I think it was original. I may have heard it somewhere, but I can’t remember.

The reason I ask is that, with the commencement of a new semester, I figured we should address weightier topics in this illustrious column and since plagiarism is such a hot topic with Stephen Ambrose getting caught red-handed, I wanted to make sure that you were in the clear.

No, I don’t do that. Also, it seems like plagiarism is a lot of work. It’s just better all-around to do a [not so good] job.

See, I only do it when I interview really boring people, and I have to lift interesting quotes from other sources. Anyway, considering Valentine’s Day is coming up, do you have any views or plans for this special day?

Well, it’s a little nerve-wracking this year since I have a girlfriend, but I’m excited. It’s a good way to procrastinate though. I’m kind of glad she’s down at Mardi Gras so I can plan things.

Dude, you know she’s probably going to be flashing her boobs to a lot of people, right?

Seriously! Do not remind me about that stuff. She was telling me that most people get beads by waving, and I was like, “I’ve seen ‘Girls Gone Wild’ and that’s not how they get their beads at all!” And my friends really help by saying that “Girls Gone Wild” isn’t even half of it.