How was homecoming?
It was fun. We had a tailgate and I saw a lot of the football game.
Was that a first?
No, I really like watching football.
Cool, so I thought that it would be pretty cool to devote this week’s 1 in 2000 to how people get chosen for this column. People always ask and I never have a really good answer; it usually has to do with me getting threatening emails from the editor to hurry up and get the article in. At that point I cry and actually pick someone to interview. But this week, there are very unusual circumstances.
Yes, I would call it unusual.
So, have you ever played mailbox tic-tac-toe?
No, I actually never have, but after the fact, I think it’s a really cool idea. I was talking to some of my friends, though, and they thought it was the most annoying thing ever. You know, you have your combination set and all you want to do is walk up to your mailbox and get your mail. Most people forget their combinations and then people come along, open the mailboxes trying to get three in a row and screw up everyone’s combination.
So wait, if you keep it set, it’s always set?
Well, if you keep it set and turn back every time you open it, then yes.
Huh, I didn’t know that! Oh wait, I need to get something really quickly. Here, talk into the microphone for a little bit [no talking] OK, I’m back! I had to get my tuna melt. MMMMMM!!!! This is so good! I’ve only had these when I’m intoxicated and that’s why I thought they were so delicious. But back to the conversation; you see, I have recently played tic-tac-toe.
Do you play it often?
Not too often because I’m usually pretty bad at it. I usually lose.
But you happened to win this weekend.
How did you know that?!? What happened Saturday night when you were standing in line at the snack bar?
Well, I was gettting a bagel for the next morning because I knew I would wake up late. I got my food and I saw somebody in line reading their People Magazine. And I thought, “Yes! My favorite time of the week. And somebody else enjoys People, too. I need to go check my mailbox because I know it will be there because it always arrives Friday or Saturday.” So I ran to my mailbox and I saw that my mailbox was wide-open.
[uproarious laughter from the interviewer]
Yeah, so I knew I hadn’t left it wide-open and I saw a bill in there and I thought, “Why didn’t they take the bill.” And of course, the bill was still there but my People wasn’t and I thought, “Hmmm, I just saw someone standing in line with People.” Because I had just seen one of the characteristic headers so I knew the issue was out. And it seemed odd that someone would take it anyway because most people make fun of me for it. And I have no idea why, but I thought that maybe the person in line would know what happened to my magazine. So I walked back over, I don’t know why, I mean the person could have just as easily loved People as much as I did. That’s always possible.
I’m sure she did.
You never know. You’d have to ask her.
Yes, so what happened?
Well, I went up to her and asked to see the cover of it. And I asked if it was hers and she said, “Yeah, it is.” And I was like “Really?” And I looked at the cover and in the lower right-hand corner it says Meghan B. Bullock. And I was like “Interesting…” She asked if I was Meghan and I said that I was.
I was going to return it on Monday! My friend stole it when we were playing mailbox tic-tac-toe.
But when you said, “Hans, look what you just did!” he looked completely out of it. He did not remember any of it.
Probably not, because he was completely wasted. And he pulled it out of the mailbox and said, “Yes! Look at that!” And I couldn’t tell what it was because it had the Christmas cover on it, and I thought it was a Penthouse or something.
Well, the way he was reacting I couldn’t tell. And I told him that he couldn’t steal stuff out of people’s mailboxes; that violates the spirit of mailbox tic-tac-toe completely. But he had slammed the door shut already, so I took it from him and I was going to bring it back Monday.
Well, that’s good because I told my Dad what happened and he said, “What! Stealing people’s mail is a felony. And now this girl is going to interview you?”
Jeepers, I hope I never meet your Dad. He’s not going to press charges, is he?
No, he’s a nice guy. He usually gives people hugs.
Well, I’m just trying to reveal a crucial component to Williams student life. I think there are going to be a lot of wide open mailboxes now.
I am intrigued, I must say. I think it would be fun.
Wanna go play it?
You’re not going to steal anything, are you?
Nuh-uh. I promise.
So, what are the rules?
Well, you take a whole square of mailboxes-
Not a 9 x 9?
Nope, a whole section. And you go open, open, open, until you get three in a row and win. Or not. This is great. I’m so excited. OK, ready?
Go! [A fast and furious game ensues. Much clicking of locks and combos heard on the tape recorder.]
OK, I got it!
Man! I always lose!
Except last Saturday. Oh, look, someone gets YM. Oh my god, it’s a guy who has it. Do guys usually buy YM?
I think so.
Hey, it’s called Your Magazine.
I thought it used to be called Young and Modern.
Look, here’s an article on female hockey players. That’s always good. OK, time to put it back.
Hey! I WAS going to bring it [Meghan’s People] back on Monday. I wouldn’t have even done the crossword puzzle.
That would have been a cardinal sin. You know, freshman year, if someone even read it before me, I’d get really upset. It was like cracking open a Bible or something.
I didn’t even read it! I was just flipping through. I might have put on some Post-it notes highlighting the must-read articles. So, you’re a regular junior this year, right?
Yup, I’m staying for hockey.
How’s the renovated Greylock?
It’s nice, although it took them forever to put in the new furniture. And we weren’t supposed to move it, but I already did. I’m obsessed with putting furniture where it should be. Sort of like Feng-Shui, except maybe it should be Meg-Shui.
That’s my name.
Ooops. Am I still drunk? No, I’m just kidding. So, is your Dad going to press charges against me?
But what if I see him at hockey games?
He won’t know who you are.
Oh, you’re right. You’re so smart.