Finishing a fine season on a splendid Saturday afternoon, the Williams Rugby Football Club (WRFC) played host to the abominable Black Donkeys of Amherst College.
As is tradition with this heated rivalry, the players’ jerseys were at stake, and the White Dawgs aimed to strip the Donkeys of their disgusting garments for the 27th straight time. Scores of fans patrolled the sidelines, offering loud cheers of encouragement to the beloved Dawgs, and shouting unrepeatable obscenities and jeers at the safety schoolers. The atmosphere was lively, even raucous at times and distinct trails of urine were seen trickling down several Amherst ruggers’ legs.
Yet, an A-side triumph was not in the stars this particular Saturday. Bounces, calls and crucial breaks continually went Amherst’s way, as they handed Williams a heart-wrenching defeat, the first since 1932. There were grumblings of referee bribery and blackmail, even speculation of witchcraft among the pagan Donkey players. Something wasn’t right.
Various sources claimed to have witnessed mysterious ceremonial rites performed by the Donkeys before the game. Details were sketchy, but the rituals were believed to resemble those practiced by devout Satan-worshippers. The prevailing trend of devil-worshipping in the Amherst area would seem to support this theory.
Thus, while the Amherst A’s were able to narrowly edge the White Dawgs, in one man’s opinion, the Donkeys were playing a man up. This elusive 16th player was a horned, hooved creature, often known to wield a fiery pitchfork. Known to some as Beelzebub, to others as Lucifer, this extra man was the sole reason Amherst managed to end Williams’ ongoing reign of rugby supremacy. Indeed, while the Prince of Darkness was not physically present on the pitch, his evil spirit emanated from each and every Amherst player, his vile and sinister aura oozed throughout their blood. Even the so-called “fans” of the Donkeys were seen bearing bizarre fetishes and voodoo dolls. It was fairly clear that Amherst was using various forms of black magic to assist their otherwise pathetic rugby skills.
The fine efforts of newly appointed fly half Forrest Wittenmeir ’02, Galen Thorp ’04 and Justin Reliford ’03 went for naught, as the able Williams side of fifteen could not surmount the cheating, Satan-assisted Donkeys.
All hope was not lost, however, for the illustrious Williams Killer Bs took the field following the first game’s final whistle. Now, from time to time, there comes a man whose purity of heart is infallible. A man who not only possesses the adept athletic ability to distinguish himself from the masses, but also the undaunted courage and will to take on the most malignant of adversaries. A man who will stare the Monarch of Hell in the eyes, and not blink. On this day, on this team, that man was Andrew “Psycho” Marks ’05.
Having beheld the A-side game from the sideline, and observing the embodiment of evil that is Amherst rugby, Marks knew his task was a hefty one. Nevertheless, Marks assumed his position at the wing fearless and determined, confident that the ugly black and purple jersey his opposite wore would soon be his own.
It took no more than ten minutes for Marks to show the detestable Black Donkeys what it means to be a Killer B. Taking a feed from gazelle-like Gabe Anello ’03, Marks broke free for a 50-meter sprint to the try zone, giving Williams the lead. Minutes later, Devin Fitzgibbons ’04 found Marks for his second score of the game. And with seconds left in the first half, Marks completed the hat trick, galloping 65 meters after stellar scrummies Ari “Sandman” Kessler ’04 and George “Shorty” Evans ’04 worked the ball out of a ruck.
The three tries were more than enough for the B’s, whose impenetrable defense held the Donkeys scoreless for the entire eighty-minute affair. The fine tackling of “Chinstrap” Charlie Wittenberg ’04, Zak “Fokker” Haviland ’04 and Thomas “New Beta” Cubeta ’03 were integral to the shutout.
At the end of the day, Williams lost 15 jerseys, but gained 15 as well. The Black Donkeys cheated their way to an A-side victory, but the grit and glory of Andrew Marks and the Killer Bs provided vindication to the WRFC and its fans. The B-side conquest served as a fitting conclusion to a tremendous fall season.
With any luck, and perhaps an intense off-season training regimen, both sides should emerge triumphant when the White Dawgs next travel to the badlands of Amherst. Thanks for a great fall season, guys, we’ll see you in the spring. Nihil in Moderato.