Williamstown is far too close to my parents

First-year Family Days are a time when one can take time and reflect on why one left home and came to college. I found the reason I left was to get away from my parents. There is nothing better than introducing your parents to all your friends and JAs. After I introduced my parents to people, many wonder how such nice people could have spawned me. My parents still insist there was a mix-up in the hospital. I guess the only good thing is that you get to meet other people’s parents as well, yet somehow none were as embarrassing as mine.

After several hours of research I discovered the word “parents” is Latin for “embarrass.” Now it is not that I am ashamed of them – rather it is the other way around – but I am always worried they are going to say something about my bed-wetting or sixth toe. Of course, they did not mention any of those things, so my secrets are safe.

As much as I wanted to see my parents, at the same time I wanted to be with my friends and drink beer. Actually, I wanted to drink beer more than I wanted to be with my friends. And after dinner with my parents I needed a drink, trust me.

Despite the two months that have gone without having seen them, I felt like we were able to pick right up where we left off. My dad and I started arguing right away. My mom asked if I ever clean my room. They did not miss a beat. Dinner with them felt longer than a nationally televised baseball game. It was really tough going to breakfast with them with a massive hangover. Thankfully, they did not notice my hangover or how the room was spinning.

My parents asked me all the standard questions that they are supposed to ask: How are classes? Good. How are your roommates? Good. Do you drink? I hate alcohol, that keg in my room is for show only. Someone else spilled beer on my clothes. Do you like the school? Yes. How is newspaper going? Not too well, I have run out of ideas so I have to write an article about Parents’ Weekend.

Thankfully, Williams had some events for my parents to attend. They went to a faculty tea and talked to several professors. Unfortunately, none of the professors present were any of my professors. They were supposed to talk to some of my professors and tell them how smart and under-appreciated they are and that we own a copy of all their books. Not only did my parents not make me brownies, they also failed to get me brownie points with my professors.

My parents went to several other events on campus, making it a little easier for me to avoid them in a roundabout manner. The toughest thing this year has not been classes, but trying to avoid my parents this past weekend. Luckily, it is almost Halloween so I have an excuse to wear a mask. If I had a dime for each person who thought I really was Dolly Parton, I would have more funds than Williams.

When my parents registered, they were given name tags to wear – great, that’s what I need, people knowing who they are! They were also given facebooks. I found this to be very interesting — it explains why so many upperclassmen were registering for Parents’ weekend.

What made my parents coming up here extra-special was that they brought my grandma up. At first she thought she was coming up for my graduation, but then we convinced her this was my first year here. When my grandma first saw me she said I must have grown again, but I reassured her she had just shrunk. Eventually she is going to be pocket-sized. My grandmother likes to compare things like apples and oranges. She told me that when she went to college they did not have co-ed dorms, gyms and great lectures all the time. This really surprised me. I did not know they had colleges back then.

Maybe the best part of the whole weekend was not eating in the cafeterias. If it was not for this weekend, I would have forgotten that grade F is not the highest quality meat, bread is not suppose to be soggy and rice does not go with everything. I was tempted to take my parents to cafeteria so they would consider taking my off the meal plan. I have discovered the nicest thing about Parents’ Weekend – it only happens once a year! Still, after this weekend I realized that New York is too close to Massachusetts and my parents can really come up too easily. That is why I am thinking about transferring to a college in Fiji. Either that or closing the Taconic Parkway.

In all seriousness, I love my parents and grandmother, the only reason I am writing this article is for some cheap laughs. That, and I hope that when they read this they will be so angry with me they will never want to visit or have anything to do with me again.