One in 2000: Jennifer Roizen

Are you sure?

I’m very unsure about pretty much everything.

I am as well, I don’t do well with things that are sure.

I think I would do really well with something that was sure, if it actually existed.

Are you sure you’re not a philosophy major?

I’m quite sure, definitely chemistry, I am however, taking Philosophy 101.

Well, I’m in Philosophy 102. Anyway, in terms of the questions I’ve actually prepared?

Oh, you have questions prepared?

I do have questions, where were you born?

San Francisco, UCSF.

Was it a long and painful birth which your mother brings back to haunt you?

Actually, my mom only brings it up once in a while, in reference to my dad and his involvement in my life. I was a c-section and while I was being born, my father was sweeping the floor. My father was sweeping the floor in order to get the operation moving along.

As in sweeping unnecessary people out the door?

No, not so much unnecessary people as unnecessary items that I suppose must have fallen out of people during previous c-sections.

What kind of hospital were you born in?!

Well, it was UCSF, and I’m told it is the preeminent medical teaching institution in the United States, so it’s a good place.

Except for the random items strewn over the floor?

Well I’m not really clear on how random they were. They didn’t take pictures of the floor, so I don’t have a really good image of why he was sweeping it, maybe nervous jitters.

Do you have any stories from when your parents came to visit?

Well, my parents are actually very funny creatures, do you remember last year how there was an earthquake in Central America over Winter Study? Apparently my mother called the wife of the professor who was on our trip and said something to the effect of “I hope it was a painless death”

With regards to you?

With regards to me, I’m still alive in case you can’t tell. Interesting things tend to happen when my parents are around.

Such as earthquakes?

No, they’re usually around when sanity is here. But they do promote interesting life choices.

I’ll take your word on that.

Yeah, I wouldn’t go with that, we should start with another question?

Ok, coloring books or connect-the-dots?

More recently connect the dots, but only as part of that game where you have a matrix of dots, where there’s two people and you have to make squares.

I didn’t know that had a name.

It’s got to; everything has a name.

Did you used to be into coloring?

I was more into adding water to something that already had color to make the color appear.

Did you ever put water on things that already had color to make them bleed into other things?

Yeah, that was a big thing for me too.


I was?rather destructive.

With expensive paintings?

No, no expensive paintings, I just liked to draw on walls and stuff.

What did you draw on the walls with?

Crayons, my weapon of choice.

What’s your opinion on the Michael Jackson comeback?

That’s not the right question.

Why not? He’s the king of pop!

Well, you want to try again? We can try that one if you like, but I basically know nothing about pop culture, connect-the-dots is the best you’re going to get.

Well, I’m going to have to reference SNL for this next one?there was a skit called “Geek, Dweeb, Spaz” There’s actually definitions that someone wrote up, but I don’t know them. Which would you qualify yourself as? I would label myself as a geek with a touch of spaz, but that’s just me.

I’m definitely a spaz; I’d like to say I’m also a geek. Although not a spaz in the way that pre-meds are. I’m not a pre-med.

Spazzy pre-meds?

Well, that’s a reputation sort of thing.

Aren’t they supposed to have steady hands?

You mean once they get into the hospital?


For me it’s more of a movement-oriented thing and a thought oriented thing, spaz in terms of thought and movement. But the reputation that pre-meds have is actually not true here, but in general it’s over attentiveness to details that may or may not be necessary. That’s something I’d like to see in a doctor.

As opposed to jittery hands?

No, that I’m not so keen on.

What are the colors of your emotions?

Oh, I’ve done this one; you know what else is a good question? If you were a body part, what body part would you be?

Ok, do both of those in one word.


Ummm, can I take two words?


Definitely an elbow and I’d say that I’m green, kinda like Kermit.

Except Kermit is more than just an elbow.

I would say that if he were just a body part he would be green and an elbow. You know what I know a lot about?

NOW we’re getting somewhere.

I’m just joking, I know nothing about anything.

How disappointing, what crime do you want to commit?


I can tell you what mine is, it’s Grand Theft: Bus


Because it sounds so cool.

You want to be like Keanu Reeves? Well, he doesn’t steal the bus, but he steals it back from somebody.

I just like the sound of it. That, and I’m very petty.

Well, umm, I’d like to do anything related to Peter Pan, but I’m not that good a person.

You mean Robin Hood?

Yes, Robin Hood, dear me. Does it have to be an actual crime?

No, not necessarily.

Well, stealing the stars or something? I’d like to have that crime.

Would you go to court for that?

Hell yeah, I figure that if I can steal the stars, then I can get out of any sort of penalty. Or, I could just hang them all up in my cell and then it wouldn’t so much matter because I’d have the whole universe in my hand.

And a pretty good tan.

Oh damn, would that hurt.

Who is your one faculty crush?

I’m definitely not answering that.

What?! Come on, everyone has one.

Yeah, but I actually talk to mine!

Give it to me in semaphore, or sign language, so I can’t print it but I can say that you have one?or mouth it.

*mouths name to someone else*

There, I’m happy.

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