Alright, let’s test this baby out.
[tape recorder makes scary, barking dog noises]
Aaauughhhh! OK, so do you want to sit down here so the microphone can pick you up? Do you think I have cooties?
Um, what are cooties?
Cooties are girl germs if you’re a boy and boy germs if you’re a girl.
So, “Rossi” do you have any nicknames?
You mean to tell me that no one has ever called you “Rossi the Hossey?”
You are the first.
Well, what if it became the new campus trend?
I don’t think I would like that particularly.
Do people ever mispronounce your name?
Yes, but it is my surname that causes people to have more difficulty. All the consonants together give people difficulty.
Do professors mess it up a lot?
Well, back in Bulgaria, at my all-boys school they only used to say, “Boy!” Now, most professors get it wrong, but I recognize my name most of the time phonetically.
And do you cry when they get it wrong? Have you ever thought of running from the room in tears?
So, do you have any wise senior words to tell people? I mean, a couple of weeks ago, we ran this column with two idiotic first years whose brainpower combined would probably not equal yours.
Ah, yes, well as a senior, one thinks of higher things..whether there is a god, immortality. I see now soph-o-mores and they have these little soph-o-moric thoughts, courses and majors, and here we have our senior thoughts. Yes. There is a god. I can prove it mathematically.
Really? What’s your major?
Russian Literature and Astrophysics. But wait, watch.
[Rossi goes to a corner and scribbles something on a scrap piece of paper.
When he comes back, the paper says Question: Does God exist? Answer: a2 –
b2 = (a-b)(a+b) => God exists]
Are you kidding?
No, it’s so powerful. The mathematical elegance actually proves metaphysics, in these four lines.
And you’re a physics major?
Yes, I mean no, sorry, Astrophysics.
And they let you get away with this? What would Jay Pasachoff say if you brought this into his office?
He would be mighty impressed.
Instead of buying himself a new sports car this year, do you think he’d change his annual tradition and buy you one?
I would not go so far. I do not think this proof requires material rewards. But if he would put a few A+’s towards my GPA…
Yeah, because you REALLY need those. Let’s talk about Phi Beta Kappa. Is it true that you turned down the presidency? I heard people were on their knees begging you.
Actually, it was never really offered.
But I heard you were of strong moral fiber.
Well, actually no. I am not a bad apple, but there are people who are more honorable than me. And actually, I am not officially a member yet. Not until I pay my $25 registration fee.
They make you PAY to join PBK?
That’s ridiculous. Gee, smart kids get all the knocks.
That’s the way it always works.
So, who are the Presidents of PBK?
Miss Terri O’Brien and Mr. Topher Goggin
And who has the stronger moral fiber?
I would say Miss O’Brien.
Yeah, my money is on her too. I hear Topher has a sick radio show.
As far as I’m concerned, he is a man of impeccable character and I would not want to slander him. But I’ve heard people have disgraced themselves on it. Such as the dastardly Mr. Pack. I heard he had his moment of glory on that show.
In closing, do you have a secret talent you’d like to tell people about?
No. I like to keep it special and hidden.