One in 2000: Topher Goggin

Place of Origin: Alma, Michigan

Current Residence: Mark Hopkins

Five Favorite Movies: Caddyshack, Weekend at Bernie’s, Weekend at Bernie’s 2, Tin Cup, Dorf on Golf.

Our Internet connection is faster now. What are you going to do with it?

I’m going to listen to Internet radio without hearing ten seconds followed by “buffering.” I listen to a radio station out of Grand Rapids, Michigan. You wanted me to say porn, didn’t you?

No, I really didn’t.

Yeah, you did.

No, I didn’t.

You thought I was going to give you a tip; a site to go to. You’re going to have to pay me for that. I don’t like these set up questions. You’re trying to lead me into trouble here.

I’m just trying to get a more interesting response than “listen to the radio.”

Most powerful radio station in Amercia. 120,000 blistering watts.

I’m looking for your gut reaction here: You’re walking down a crowded street and you see, not surrounded by anyone, a midget. What do you think of doing?

Possibly hurtling over him.

You wouldn’t think to kick him?

No, I have a bad ankle.

What if you didn’t have a bad ankle?

Probably not. I wanted to be a field goal kicker when I was eight, nine, ten years-old and up until 14 I was maxing out around 11 yards, which is impossible in football, so I gave up on my dreams of being a field goal kicker. That’s the way I wanted to get into football because I don’t think I’d last long if I got hit. 5’9”, 135 lbs. isn’t a real good football build.

Most males’ reaction is “kick it.” Do you think that’s indicative of a greater problem? If so, what is it and what can we do about it?

Sounds like an overabundance of leg strength to me. Most strength training programs fail to target the smaller muscle groups such as wrist strength. Maybe you’d want to pick up the midget and throw him. I’m not going to fall down on this one.

Bench press him?

See, that could work. It could be an employment type thing. You could hire out your own midget as your own personal trainer and your own personal midget weight set. They could see it out of P.O. Box 531 in Saganon, Michigan, the same place they sell the Garden Badger Rake.

You’re a junior. What are you majoring in?

Math and chemistry. I don’t know what I was doing when I sent that form in.

Is that what you planned on majoring when you came to college?

I came in thinking drywall but they discontinued that major. There’s great money in drywall. And garbage collection I hear is good too. Plus you get your own truck. I proposed that as a contract major but they told me they couldn’t swing that. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this math and chemistry garbage. I guess I’ll go around and advise people about chemical reactions.

Could you advise Brennan of a chemical reaction right now?

I’m going to wait until I can do that for money.

Ok, we’re going to do the first three-person “One in 2000.”

Would it be “Two in 2000”? Or would you reduce the fraction and make in “One in 1000”? There’s that math thing.

Brennan, ask Topher to advise you on a chemical reaction.

[Brennan]: Toph, could you please advise me on a chemical reaction?

If you’d really like me to.

[Brennan]: I would.

Would you like me to inform you on a chemical reaction involving backside attack?

[Brennan]: Absolutely.

Backside attack is a truly wonderful type of chemical reaction.

Could you advise him on it?

Basically, what you’re going to find in backside attack is the nucleofile coming in and displacing the leaving group. This often happens in solutions and could leave some wonderful products.

[Brennan]: Is it like a new way to make a margarita?

It’s a good way to add bromine and chlorine.

Thank you, Brennan.

We do offer the secrets of backside attack audio program through our radio show.

We’re not plugging your radio show.

We’re not, but I am.

Help me answer this: Why do cartoon ducks always get screwed over?

I would frankly say they get “ducked over.” Or “ducked up.” Don’t you think that rhyme has got something to do with it?

On that note, is there anything else you want to say? Finish off this interview any way you want to.

Derek Ward told me it would be cool if I used this interview to ask a girl for a date, so I thought I would ask his girl friend. Rachel, want to do dinner this weekend?