Rugby downs Donkeys 38-0

This past weekend, the glorious White Dawgs of Williams College completed their final game of divisional play, by stomping the Keene State Black Donkeys 38-0. The Black Donkey’s undersized, overmatched and half-witted players were unable to do anything right against the slick-talking, fast-running, charismatic White Dawgs of Williams College.

The Donkeys chronic “lack of skill” was easily recognized, and initially received sympathy from prominent Hanes Underwear model Asa Johnson ’02, who exclaimed from the side-line at the beginning of the game, “I just want to gather those Donkeys up in my arms like a good little mother hen, and squeeze them and hug them to make-up for the whipping they are about to receive.”

But this temporary onset of sensitivity was quickly dispersed, when senior leader and Jim Beam poster-child Benjamin “Spider” McAnaney ’01, stepped onto the field. For on this day, it was undoubtedly destined, that McAnaney would come out of the closet and emerge to be one of the greatest scoring forces in Williams Rugby history, ramming in a record-setting seven tries and leading his team to victory.

McAnaney, a three-year veteran at the position of A-side hooker, had never scored a try in a rugby game before this past Saturday. The position of hooker is one of the most unheralded and unselfish positions in the game of rugby. It is a position in which the player spends most of his time either on his knees, or face down on the ground. He is rarely given the opportunity to run with the ball, and almost never is he given the chance to score.

McAnaney reflected upon his love for the position of hooker, “Throughout my life, I have sorted through numerous experiences in search of that one career which will provide eternal happiness and infinite wealth. My last career, in which I worked as the bearded-lady in the circus, seemed promising, until I was fired for not looking masculine enough. But upon entering Williams College and being cut from the WUFO team, I was able to see that the position of hooker was my true calling. Following examination of my unprecedented performance today, I have decided that after spending six years here at Williams, it is time to move on and become a professional hooker; I will prostitute my god-like skills around the international rugby circuit.”

White Dawg teammates who have played alongside McAnaney for three years described his transformation from an unathletic, uncoordinated, and portly New York City resident to the model citizen and rugby god that he is now, “Some people compare McAnaney to a monarch butterfly: three years ago he came to Williams as an ugly caterpillar, but today he emerged as a beautiful butterfly.”

McAnaney’s perseverance and incredible work ethic on and off the field is truly an inspiring story to us all. McAnaney battled through a seven season scoring draught, to gain his permanent position in Williams College Men’s Rugby history this past Saturday, with his outstanding seven-try performance.

After completing their regular season with a record of 5-1, the White Dawgs will participate in the “Amherst face-stomping” on November 11th at Amherst Field.

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