One in 2000: Kyla Dotson

After last week’s debacle, I made the decision for this week’s One in 2000 to be centered more around the responses of the interviewee and less around my own long-winded diatribes. I also thought it might be fun to role-play. I suggested to Kyla that we each choose a celebrity from history and try to be that person during the interview. I chose Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards but Kyla, even after much prodding on my part, couldn’t think of anything better to be than a generic stalker.

Baaaaaahhhhh haaawwwwwwk [spits] Allo Kyla it’s lovely meeting a nice-lookin’ bird like yourself. There are some fings I’d like to make clear. One is I have not taken so many drugs that there aren’t any left for anyone else. Two is I do not appreciate being called “Skeletor.”

When I was a pre-frosh I was perusing the Williams website and I got a hold of the e-mail addressed of a few people here and I started to e-mail random people and I got several responses and one response from this one particular person really caught my eye. And we started e-mailing back and forth and I decided that I had to come here so I could meet this person and be his best friend. He mentioned that he sleeps with his door unlocked which is a big plus, he speaks Spanish which I do not, so that would be a big challenge for me and I like a challenge, and he’s from Illinois and my sister was born in Illinois though I never spent any time in Illinois. I really like the whole facebook thing, Williams makes my job incredibly easy, you have their pictures, where they live, their phone numbers, their interests, I spend far too much time looking through the facebook finding new stalkees. Oh yeah, I should say something about how much I love the professors and classes, but I don’t really care about that. What I don’t like about Williams is that it’s in the middle of nowhere, and there are very few social options.

Ya know one time Mick was like Keef you stupid f***, and I was like bababbbaaaaaaaahh pfffffbbbbt and then I fell into a cake. Could I have some herbal tea or somefing?

But I stay away from the boys because I have a mommy and daddy who love me and I would like to keep it that way. There are a very small number of boys who have potential, but the majority don’t really do anything for me. And of those, about 97 percent are elsewhere, if you know what I mean. My parents aren’t particularly strict but they’re kind of conservative. I’ve never had many rules or anything growing up, but just me, I’m of a very conservative nature. I don’t do the whole relationship thing. I’m the kind of person who displays interest in people but once interest is returned, I lose interest. So that’s a problem. And plus I don’t do the whole physical relationship, I much prefer a good conversation. That’s why I’m a stalker, because I don’t have to nerve to face people straight up. Look at this picture, this is my older sister who is her thirties and this is my other sister Tammy, and this is my little sister, she’s 14 and she’s evil. I am the sweetest person in the entire world. I’m tired of people calling me crazy. I’m not crazy, I’m quirky. Let me tell you something, I worked at K-Mart in high school and I was at the register where I had to get cigarettes for people and I never let them have them without first giving my anti-tobacco speech.

I don’t fink we’re going to get along very well. [belch]

But back to stalking. I’m working on getting into people’s e-mail accounts. I’m going to try to bribe someone at Jesup to help me out with that. I’ve a got a digital camera, plus a regular camera. But I don’t really go for binoculars or the high-tech things like infrared. If someone were stalking me with infrared, I would be scared. Look at this book I got at Stop ’n Shop.

“The enticing virgin was holding out for the promises of forever.” This is pure shite, luv.

It’s social theory. I only got it because it takes place in Egypt. It’s Middle Eastern studies. It’s schoolwork, required reading. I read books like this at home. Oh, that reminds me, let me say that as the only person on this entire campus from Mississippi, I must speak of it in a very high manner. People think Mississippi is inbred, backwater hickville. When I start speaking to people they tell me I don’t sound like I’m from the South since I don’t have an accent. Then I have to say [in an uncanny Huckleberry Hound] “if you want me to sound like Forrest Gump I can,” but it’s not how Mississippians speak, I’m from a city. I live on the beach; Mississippi has a coastline, most people don’t know that. There’s lots of casinos there so we get a lot of tourists and unsavory types. The town is about 50,000 people and everyone is old and retired. Mississippi sucks. Don’t tell anyone I said that. I don’t know where I want to live though. I don’t think I could live in the Middle East, since I’m kind of like a vampire – I don’t like bright light and I don’t like hot weather. I prefer cold weather, but I don’t like rain. I thought about Alaska. Anywhere that doesn’t get a lot of precipitation. Snow is actually okay. Ideal year-round temperature would be about 60 if it never rains. I would also like the sun not to shine very often. I don’t like the sun. But I don’t think I could go forever and ever without seeing the sun. I just wish it wouldn’t be so dominant during the day.