Your Friendly Neighborhood Sports Columnist

Instead of “Your Friendly Neighborhood Sports Columnist,” this week I would like to be called “Your Post-Modern Gonzo Sports Journalist.” I’ll explain directly. So all these professional and Olympic athletes are into drugs and shady diet plans and such these days. Now I know steroids have gone through periods of far greater usage in the past, but you cannot tell me that the athletic arena has ever been more GNC-soaked than it is right now. So I decided to see what the fuss is all about. Call it “Fear and Loathing in the Weight Room.”

Like Hunter Thompson, I ventured into the deep, dark underworld of performance-enhancing drugs and diets that call for plants and dirt for lunch (to increase fast-twitch muscle tissue percentages). Substitute Anabolic steroids and Creatine for Wild Turkey and Mescaline and you’re beginning to follow me.

“No,” you say?

Break it down. Six months ago I hatched the idea for this story and figured that it would take some empirical evidence of my own to truly understand what is going on in the pressure-filled, now-or-never world of Professional Sports. I have been taking, with the intense supervision of one Dr. Van Nostrand from the clinic, every single performance-enhancing drug that is sold over the counter, under the table, or in the alley.

Still don’t believe me?

Yesterday while playing with the rest of the basketball team I dunked by spiking the ball off my own head. At the beginning of the year, there were seven prospective basketball freshmen. Now there are six. I inadvertently broke one in half with a Mortal-Kombat finishing move while setting a fierce backscreen. You should call those out, fellas.

Here is my daily schedule:

1) I wake up and immediately indulge in three multi-vitamins and two scoops of Designer Protein (with skim milk, of course).

2) Before my morning workout I take ten amino acid pills, and a “Gen and Tonic,” betagen, phosphagen and hydroxycut. All blended together using Ripped Force.

3) Post-workout snack: ten grams of creatine and glutamine, four scoops of Designer protein, a chocolate Myoplex Deluxe and three cans of dried tuna.

4) For lunch, one gallon skim milk, 12 chicken breasts and 50 egg whites. Oh so tasty.

5) Pre-Afternoon workout: Repeat pre-morning workout.

6) Post-Afternoon workout: Repeat post-morning workout, except add an oil change in a secluded bathroom in Lasell.

It is a pretty big investment, I know. But here’s the rub. I’ve got this beautiful, gentle little needle I nicknamed sexy Sadie. She gave me the little boost I need. I just finished my last eighteen-day cycle of Clenbutorol; the tremors at night don’t bother me at all. I was on Dianabol, an anabolic steroid, for awhile, but now I am not as much about bulking and gain cycles. My last cycle was an IGF-1 and Masteron stack.

It’s pretty rare, but it has more of a cutting effect. I know a guy in Belgium. They put mayonnaise on their fries there, you know.

But like Andy DuFrain in Shawshank Prison, I escaped and came out clean on the other side. Except for a few things.

My little foray into the world of bodybuilding and chemically-enhanced muscle development has left me with shrunken testicles and a ravaged liver. I blame the steroids.

My world is completely upside down. I realize that I spend all day wondering about the best way to gain an inch on my calf muscle. My best friend is a guy named Dr. Steve.

I watch tapes of Ben Johnson like it is my high school graduation. Sports Illustrated and Time have been replaced with Muscular Development and Testosterone Magazine.

Do you know what it feels like to realize that your urine alone could get you arrested? Bill Romanowski called ME the other day and asked if I needed help. Is this the absolute modern limit of narcissism, or did I just get beaten up in the schoolyard too much? What possessed me to do this to myself?

No, I’m okay. Everything will probably be okay. When they test me I’m just gonna say it was this cough syrup I’ve been taking.