Welcome to Williams College. You are the first freshman I’m interviewing this year. First, I’d like to first hear your impressions of the school. I want raw truth.
You don’t want to hear the truth. I’m going to come off as the most cynical person.
Baby, don’t sugarcoat it. Just give it to me.
I never wanted to go here. I’m not unhappy, but I just didn’t want to go here. I didn’t really like any of the schools I looked at. But my mom was like, here, look at these NESCAC schools, and I said okay. That was one thing that…that’s pretty nasty.
Ooh, there’s a maggot in this acorn. How did he get in there?
He’s eating it. They can eat through shells.
Do you like your entry, Bowie?
Um, I like my entry, I just don’t relate to a lot of them. They’re really interesting people. My roommate though, she’s really sweet. Mary Lydecker. Coolest girl. But I’ve kind of done my own thing; I haven’t really hung out.
Well, you are busy with cheerleading.
You have to make clear that that’s something of a joke. I mean, I’m going to do it, and I’m going to be a kick-ass cheerleader. I’m so excited for the outfit.
Could you do a cheer for me right now?
You can’t do it without the moves. I’m not going to get up and do the moves for you.
Get your little butt up and do the cheer.
You want me to do the cheer for you? Okay, I’ll do the cheer for you because I’m not a shy person. But if any of the lyrics of the cheer or the fact that I did the cheer for you comes out I will be so embarrassed. I’m all about T&A in my cheer. Let’s see if I remember it…“Bang! Bang! Choo-choo train! Come on girls, do your thing! Get it, g-get it get it! Got it, g-got it got it! Freeze – and let it roll.”
Oh my god, that was shocking. That was truly outstanding. I think you have quite a future ahead of you. You know there’s a cheerleading major here at Williams.
Oh yeah, really? Somehow I don’t think it’s a big thing here. I just think it’s funny. I more wanted to do it because it’s such a controversy, you know? Just like, rock on, I’m so psyched. Everyone’s gonna hate me, and I swear people are gonna throw stuff at us, and I’m doing it all for the slutty outfit, the skirt and the bloomers, I want my name on my bloomers. So I can flip up my skirt and be like, “Bowie!” Or initials or something, flip it up. And my initials are B.E.Z., but if you sound it out, it’s “Be easy.” Are those not the funniest initials? I think those would be good initials on my ass. I’m outgoing.
You know what though? We need more wild girls on campus.
I’m wild! I think girls hate me! I’m just one of those people that has enemies, but I’m so harmless. God, I’m worrying how I’m going to come out on paper.
You’re going to come out interesting on paper. You know, maybe people just feel threatened by your ass shaking.
I’m not an ass-shaker, I just did that because that’s what they wanted to see. That’s what they wanted to see at cheerleading, some ditzy girl jumping around. I couldn’t do anything with my hair this morning, I’m so tired, I just put gel in it and was like, “curls!” Some crew guys drove me to cheerleading tryouts so I could make it on time because they think it’s so funny. And I wrote them an e-mail last night and was like, “Guys, your coxswain is now a cheerleader!” I think a lot of girls are mad at me; cheerleading is just something people don’t respect.
It is a little strange to have it at a place like Williams. I mean, we’re not UCLA or the Dallas Cowboys or anything.
You know what this is? This is all from that movie Bring it On. I saw it three times. I mean, it was trash, it was garbage. But it’s funny. You have to think it’s funny. Kirsten Dunst, I love her. I think she’s the coolest. She has dimples like me; we’re like the only two girls who have dimples.
That is not true.
No one has dimples! Yes it’s true. I bought the Maxim with her. So cute. But she’s not smiling in any of them. She looks great though. Personally, if you ask me, she looks great. I have a Maxim calendar on the wall. My roommate’s like, “Must we have naked girls on the wall?” and I’m like, “Yes, we must!” I was pretty excited about the calendar. I think it’s pretty funny.
Tell me something that you genuinely like to do, something you really enjoy.
Crew is a big part of my life. I love it.
Do you like to bark orders?
No, no! I’m a timid person, I’m very insecure! In the beginning I am. I think the first few days of school they all thought I was going to suck. But I’ve got a potty-mouth. I curse more than anyone in the world.
Have you seen your cheerleading outfits yet?
No, we don’t have them. We’re doing a fundraiser.
Maybe you guys could have a topless carwash like in that Sir Mix-a-Lot video.
No, I think we’re selling dates. We’re selling dates with the cheerleaders. I’m guessing a lot of people won’t do it. I can’t do it all the time because crew is such a huge commitment. No one knows what to make of me; I’m a freshman but I’m not on the freshman team, I’m a girl but I’m on the guys’ team. I just don’t fit in.
You are everything and you are nothing. You are an indeterminate form!
I need more work!
Give me something crazy that you’ve done.
I got asked that on the street in New York and I said I had sex with a big, fat bouncer to get into a club. It was a lie.
He was actually a little, skinny bouncer.
No, I never had sex with a bouncer to get into a club. But that was the story I told just to be interesting. It was a bunch of NYU students doing a documentary on like New York City people so I just thought I’d jazz up their day. I don’t really do crazy things necessarily, I’m just a spaz! I’m going to come off so horribly in this interview. Professors read this? Burger is going to flip…
Is there anything else you would like people to know about you?
I just try to be true to myself everyday, and I hope people accept that. Where did you live when you were at NYU?
I lived way up near Columbus at 101 St.
Wow, that’s way up there. That’s cool. The area where I live is so trendy, it’s right on Union Square with the Virgin Megastore. And you know that big movie theater? It looks right into my bedroom, on the escalator when you go up.
So you were the girl I was looking at! I had my binoculars out…
I keep my blinds closed all the time. I would saunter around in my pajamas or underwear and a tanktop, and the ticket takers would be there looking at me.
Maybe you could do a little show for them.
When I was little in the seventh or eighth grade my friends and I did a show for the construction workers tearing down the building across the street. We thought it was really funny. It wasn’t that funny. Now if I don’t get catcalls when I walk by construction workers I’m like, “Oh, I’m so ugly!” Is that tape still rolling?
The tape is definitely rolling.
On a scale of one to embarrassed, I am so embarrassed.