Rugby pummels UVM Donkeys repeatedly

This past weekend, the glorious White Dawgs of Williams College rode north, into the barren, unfertile wasteland of the University of Vermont. The UVM “three-legged Donkeys,” an uncouth group of ruffians known for frolicking with polar bears in the Arctic and for dancing with elephants in the Sahara, proved to be no match for the strength, quickness and chocolate thunder of all three White Dawg teams.

The A-side game was an uncivilized affair, plagued by hair pulling, pillow fights and kicks to the groin by various members of the three-legged Donkeys.

Despite the numerous attempts by the Donkeys to display how good they were at missing tackles, the Williams A-side stole the show by ramming in the first five points. Making his long awaited return to the rugby pitch after a year of goat herding on the shores of England, Daniel Bubb ’01 set up the game’s first try with a pass to the seventh dwarf himself, Chidozie Alozie ’01. Commenting on his blazing score, Alozie said, “Man, I need my asthma inhaler and a cigarette.”

The next player to make the UVM team look as worthless as their three-legged mascot, was Ian “Kareem” Lewis ’01.

Lewis, a former ladies figure skating world champion, used his spins and twirls to evade the suffocating three-legged Donkeys’ defense.

When asked to comment on his score, Lewis responded, “What would Brian Boitano do?”

In what would have been a devastating blow for a weaker team, the Williams A-side lost their heralded samurai-warrior scrum captain, Joseph Mizuta Seavey ’01, midway through the first half.

Seavey, known for his famous Jedi-mind trick, emerged from the game with blood gushing from his nose and mouth, apparently after the mind trick had backfired.

Upon viewing the gruesome sight of Seavey’s face, senior leader Ben “Spider” McAnaney was found wimpering like a sick puppy on the sideline. McAnaney overcame his fear of pain and rugby by entering the game modeling a scrum cap. Trying to salvage part of his manhood, McAnaney defended his actions by yelling, “My mommy says that wearing scrum caps and peeing your pants is the coolest, and that she doesn’t know what she’d do if her special little guy were to go and hurt himself playing this nasty, icky game of rugby.”

The Williams pack continued the scoring trend by recording ten points with trys by Andrew “Raid” Keating ’02 and Andrew Fyfe Hall ’01.

The pack remained strong throughout the game, pushing the fatter, older, uglier three-legged Donkey pack all over the field. However, the Williams line was carrying its share of the load as well.

With the agility and speed of a beer-man at a baseball game, Williams fullback Forrest Wittenmeier ’02 deposited the rugby ball into the try-zone for five more points. Supported by the rucking of line-captain John “Spartacus” Crowley-Delman ’01 and the tackling of Tyler “Wheat” Polk ’03, the Williams line abused the Donkeys more than a red-headed stepchild.

But on this gloriously rainy, cold, miserable day, the A-side’s whipping of the Donkey’s is not the only story worth recounting.

For after the A-side game, onto the field stepped a veteran B-side, a B-side that had been kid-tested, mother-approved.

Doogie Howser himself, Galen Thorp ’04, scored the first three points for B-side with a penalty kick.

Commenting on his conversion kick, Thorp said, “I pity the fool that messes with Mr. T!”

The first B-sider to ram it in for five was Chief Seth “David Spade” Pietras. Pietras has overcome a lack of coordination and soberness to become an integral part of the rugby team on and off the field. The Chief displayed his many talents on Saturday by playing rugby in the afternoon and racing boats in the evening.

The Vulcan death grip was administered to the three-legged Donkeys’ B-side in the form of Ariel Zetlin-Jones ’04, who floundered his way into the try-zone for five points in the second half.

Following the B-side drubbing of the Donkeys came the sweetest moment of all. Onto the field emerged a group of men sweeter then apple pie, sweeter then Eskimo Nell herself, the Williams C-side. Led on offense by the scoring machine that is Alexander Morrison ’02, the Williams Sweet-side completed the sweep of the UVM three-legged donkeys.