White Dawgs nearly obliterate Amherst

This past weekend, the glorious White Dawgs of Williams College rode east, squaring off against the leprous book-thieves of Amherst Community College. The Amherst “Black Donkeys” had fallen to the Williams A-side in two previous contests, but luck was not the White Dawgs’ lady this Saturday.

The A-side game was an uncivilized affair, plagued by drunken belligerence, and a general lack of couth from the Black Donkey sidelines. Amherst’s community service umbrella group, the Amherst Poison Blanket Distribution Corps (or APBDC), was hosting a special rugby field trip for the inmates of the local women’s penitentiary. Fed alcohol by the reckless Amherst fans, the prisoners waved matronly tattooed arms at the frightened Williams side, and sought to break White Dawg concentration through chronic unfunniness and loud acts of stupidity.

Captain Paul Bethe ’00 returned from a knee injury to score two tries, both converted by Ryan Kurlinski ’01. Other player’s also demanded recognition verbally. Said Joe Sensenbrenner ’00 and Andy Keating ’02, “Please mention us also, on account of the semi-remarkable things we accomplished on Saturday.”

The only story truly worth recounting from this epic Saturday battle was the White Dawg’s B-side defeat of their thoroughly inept Black Donkey opponents. From the opening noise of the whistle having air blown into it, to the closing sound produced in a similar fashion, the “Killer B’s” showed the ’Herst why they are the top-ranked B-side in the country (according to Rugby Time Magazine).

Early on, the keen and fancy eyes of Peter Walke ’03 found gaps in the Amherst backfield. The Donkey fullbacks ran from each of Walke’s booming kicks as though they were primed to detonate upon contact. With the exception of an occasional loving slap forward, neither the fullback nor Amherst’s wings gave any signal that they understood the centrality of the ball to the game of rugby.

The Williams pack, led by hooker Peter L’Official ’02, pushed the bigger, less charismatic Donkey-scrum all over the field. Dominating in rucks, mauls, lineouts and even water breaks, the eight men of the B-pack won the game for Williams. However, the line was carrying its share of the load as well.

The Deacon of Badness himself, Daniel Kim ’02, put in the game’s first try. Commenting on his blazing score, Kim said, “The events of Saturday past confirmed my earlier suspicion that I am now, as I have always been, completely incapable of doing anything wrong.”

The next player to ram it in for five was pint-size terror Hyun-Kun Kim ’03, who ran circles around the Amherst line all day. Kim has overcome size and language barriers to become an integral part of both the A and B-sides throughout the spring. Kim appeared to have sustained a bloody mouth injury early in the second half, but when questioned by the ref, he spit out a piece of finger replying, “don’t worry, it’s not mine.”

The game-winning try was made by senior sensation and Saved By the Bell stunt double Matt Toth ’00, who made a brilliant diving try in the middle of the second half. Toth was approached for comment Saturday night but remained temporarily deaf after having driven home from Amherst in his luxurious German noisemobile.

After a great weekend of rugby football and rugby frolicking, Keating and Sensenbrenner reflected, “We both played really, really, well.” Unsure who scored Williams’ two A-side tries, or when, both men agreed that, “we probably had a great deal to do with the scoring of those points.”