One in 2000: Ching Ho

Will you just state for the Record who Ching Ho is?

Ching Ho is me.

And where do you hail from?

Originally, I was born in Hong Kong. My parents and grandparents actually ran away from the commies. My grandpa kicked Mao Zedong in the ass, and he was selling clothing on the street so he got arrested and put in jail. So then my parents were in Hong Kong, and they escaped on a boat. You wanna talk about illegal immigrants? There you go. They were illegal immigrants. So I’m all for it.

So you’re a proponent of illegal immigration?

When the Mob smuggles in illegal immigrants, I’m all like, “Go Mob!” I actually know people who smuggle. It’s a very good concept, redistribution of wealth.

And now you’re from Binghamton, NY?

Yeah. It’s a dying military city. Back during the cold war, when Russia was making a list of places to bomb, Binghamton was number four on the list. First you had the cities, then you had the capital, and then you had Binghamton. We had a lot of military corporations that made bombs, and IBM who made the computers to shoot the bombs.

But, instead of being run by the military, Binghamton is now run by the Chinese Mafia?

No comment.

So for now you just need to settle for being a major player in the cyber world?

Do you mean my webpage, HoTown? It’s still under construction, but I’m gonna do that during the summer. It will have an all-male section for male interest topics, for males only – no females allowed. There will be a password that only men will know. There will also be a section on swing dancing, a section on myself, an inspirational section…

[with a glimmer of hope]Tasteful nude photography?

That’s right. No distasteful pornography, only tasteful nude photography.

And of course…

Tantric sex.

Would you care to elaborate for people that are not familiar with the concept of Tantric sex?

Tantric sex originates from the concept that sexuality is sacred and should be celebrated. The problem with Western sexuality is that all these political and religious leaders – like the Pope! What’s up with the Pope, man? – and all these other conservative Republican whatevers, they’re telling people to keep it in their pants. That’s okay, but sexuality should be more open; it’s a good thing. Most people over here don’t realize that.

Really?

See the whole sacred sex thing comes from Hinduism. Let’s see…how do I explain Hinduism? Hinduism is when there is an ultimate state of being called Brahmin, and everyone by doing successive circles of life tries to reach Brahmin. There’s a form of Hinduism called Tantric Hinduism that is practiced by very few people, where sexual practices are the main way to get to Brahmin. It’s a taste of divinity. Once you orgasm it’s the closest you’re ever going to get – until you actually reach enlightenment, but that never really happens.

And how close have you gotten to enlightenment?

Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world, and sometimes I feel like I’m enlightened. But I don’t think I’m ever going to reach enlightenment. But I get very close to enlightenment all the time. I don’t mean through sexual conquests – I’m not going to tell you my opinion on Williams girls. Overall, I’m happy. I’m content. I like my life.

You like your life?

Yeah. You know how physiologists talk about self-actualization? That’s where you’re happy and content with everything in your life. I’m almost there.

So what else remains before you’re totally content?

Typical man stuff. Make my millions, reinstate the Ching Ho fan club, and I still have to build HoTown.

What’s HoTown?

HoTown is a palace with an overly expensive Ho-style restaurant, a triple level nightclub with an illuminated fish tank that runs through all three levels, a movie complex, a fashion store and a high-class hotel.

And if you were going to give a tip to the Williams community, helping them to achieve enlightenment and self-actualization, what would it be?

My tip for the girls is how to seduce guys. This isn’t meant to demean the female race, but all you got to do is wear a short little mini-skirt, smile and lose your inhibitions. Not your sexual inhibitions. You know all those girls that run around and seem carefree? Those are the girls that all the guys want. Oh, and learn how to dance by coming to Ching Ho dance lessons.

What about a tip for the guys?

About how to seduce women?

No, just a general tip for life.

[after much thought] I think most guys are very depressed people because they’re always chasing around girls, but they can’t get ’em. You see, life without girls is not a good thing, but you can live without them. It’s true that a good woman completes a guy, but you’ve got to strive for other things. You gotta make your millions – that’ll help you get women. Be happy with who you are. If humping donkeys is your thing, then go out, find a donkey and hump it. Make your dreams happen. It’s your responsibility.

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