Residence: JA in Sage A
Hometown: West Caldwell, New Jersey
How does it feel to be One in 2000?
It honestly is a little bit nerve-racking. I’m sort of anti-clutch. Phew.
Speaking of pressure, I couldn’t resist playing Regis. So, here’s your question, Mayur, for no apparent point value: Who currently owns the LARGEST percentage of Al Gore’s soul?
a) Big Tobacco
b) Chemical Waste Cartels
c) Health Care Conglomerates
d) The People’s Republic of China
I think…is it China?
I don’t know what to say. I think it’s China. They have a lot of people.
Speaking of souls, how do you feel about selling your soul on E-bay?
You know, it was a tempting offer when it was first presented to me.
So, it actually received an offer?
Oh, it was presented to me by the evil Mayo Shattuck, except he’s not really evil. He just sells souls. But I had the pen and I had the paper and I thought about signing it, but what if there was something to that? I decided against it. You shouldn’t go to the Snack Bar with a pen in your hand. You’ve seen the Simpsons episode?
Where all the other children are rowing their boats to the island with their soul except for Bart.
On a slightly political note, who are you backing for President?
I honestly don’t know who’s even running because I’m sorta apolitical.
Well, we’re down to either Gore or Bush.
You didn’t know this, did you?
No, I honestly didn’t. I know why I like Gore. I like Gore. Someone told me back in the day that Gore used to smoke a lot and theorize on government with his friends. They would try to come up with brilliant new plans to change the nation. I thought that was a pretty cool thing.
What’s the secret to being such a great JA? So, I’ve heard…
Well, that’s flattering but I don’t know that I’m such a good JA. I’m just sort of here and weird. My entry is here and weird.
On the other side of the coin, what won’t you miss about being a JA?
It will be nice to be in just a quiet nice isolated environment where people don’t constantly stop by and sing you songs and do weird dances.
What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night at Williams?
I like to play a good game of chess, have a warm cup of Coke, and go to sleep.
Alright, moving right along…If you could date any cartoon character, who would it be and why?
Oh, okay, okay. Oh, that’s a good question.
Does it have anything to do with the Smurfs?
Maybe Smurfette. She’s blue and you gotta get a blue chick. No, she’s too short. Ummm, I know this, I know this. Daphne from Scooby Doo! Oh my God, she wears that short skirt and scarf. Lovely, lovely lady.
I hear that the Scooby Doo characters are supposed to represent the five-college consortium.
Yeah, Daphne is supposed to be from Smith College. I actually went there looking for her.
What’s your favorite Nantucket Nectar bottlecap saying?
Want to hear a nasty story about a Nantucket Nectar bottle? So, the other night I drank a jug of wine with my buddy Speiser and in the aftermath of the jug of wine, I was sitting in a common room of a friend’s place in Greylock and realized that I was going to vomit but knew that I would not make the bathroom because my legs were just not seaworthy. So, I reached for a bottle, which happened to be a Nantucket Nectar bottle…
Tell me about your plan “for benevolent dictatorship of the United States.”
This also came from the night that Speiser and I were drinking a cheap jug of wine. Yeah, we were sitting on the steps of Chapin, harassing people who were walking by. Well, not harassing so much as inviting them to join the oligarchy. And this is where the whole Al Gore thing came in as well, hypothesizing about government. And it seemed that what this country needed were a few good-natured liberals who were willing to roll up their sleeves, drink some wine, and plan a government…We decided that we should be dictator and vice-dictator. And then I said, “Wait. Benevolent oligarchy because people might say, ‘hey, why you?’ and then again, oligarchy…there’s plenty of lovin’ going around.
Sounds like a good plan. Any final thoughts?
Dammit, dammit. I just need to justify everything I just said because, let me tell you something. When I was in seventh grade, I came up to bat in Little League in the ninth inning with two outs and runners in scoring position. And we were down by a run or two. Six times I did this and every time that happened, I grounded out. And sometimes there was one out, I would hit into a double play. I am not clutch! That is my parting statement – I am not clutch!