You ever been interviewed for One in 2000 before?
No, it’s been my lifelong dream.
You ever seen a grown man naked?
You ever hang around a gymnasium?
For what purposes?
Do you like movies about gladiators?
You ever been in a Turkish prison?
No. I’ve never even been to Turkey.
You’re stranded on a desert island, but you get to take one Williams College student to entertain you, comfort you and ultimately, be consumed by you. Who do you choose and why?
I would probably pick somebody beefy. How about Matt Toth?
Is he chunky or ripped?
He’s ripped. He’s also a really good dancer.
What’s your personal definition of the word “sketchy?”
Excessively drunk, sexual or otherwise inappropriate. But it still can be a good thing. Like a sketchy party can conceivably be a good thing. Or if you wanted to “get sketchy.”
Which of the seven dwarves do you think is the most “doable” and why?
What are the seven dwarves?
I think there’s Dopey, Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc, Sneezy, Happy…
Is there a Happy?
There has to be a Happy.
’Cause I would do a Happy dwarf. I mean, the dwarf most like me is probably Sleepy or maybe Sneezy and you don’t have sex with your own personal dwarf.
I thought Dopey might have been the most attractive.
I don’t think Dopey would be good in bed.
I guess he seemed kind of boyish. He definitely looks like the effeminate one of the group. He didn’t talk either.
Do you think maybe Dopey’s gay?
I never really thought about it. Well, there are seven of them and they are living alone in the woods… If you were granted one wish, with the only stipulation being that the wish had be exactly eight words long, what would you ask for?
[pause]…To live my life without caring about money.
What’s your favorite sexual euphemism involving badgers?
I have a sexual euphemism that involves a different mammal.
OK, you can go for that one.
Bury the goat.
I’ll be honest with you, that’s a little creepy.
That’s because a friend of mine was late for school and his family kept a bunch of different farm animals and we all asked him, “Why are you late for school?” And he replied with this annoyed look on his face, “Do you have any idea how long it takes to bury a goat!”
And that turned into a sexual euphemism?
You kind of had to be there.
Have you ever thought about getting a tattoo?
I want something subtle; something on my ankle or something. I was told once that if women get a tattoo of a rhinoceros on their breast then it’ll eventually turn into a unicorn when they age.
True. Is there any male body part that you find is generally too hairy?
I’m not a big fan of the hairy back. But in the end…
Upper back or lower back?
Ooooh. I’ve never seen a hairy lower back. But it depends on how far you go.
Feet don’t bother you?
No, I have hairy feet.
Oh. You’ve never seen a hairy lower back? I can show you one. [motions to lift up shirt]
Yeeaagh! I’m sorry.
What’s you least favorite song?
I really can’t stand that woman from Canada. She’s that whiney one who sings the song about, “I’ve got hands.”
You’re a supervisor at Jesup, but you don’t own a computer. Isn’t that kind of like being a podiatrist without feet?
You can’t borrow feet. There’s no Feet Hall on campus where you can go and access other people’s feet in order to accomplish your work. And I used to have feet, but they were hit by lightning.
No, my computer.
Why do women always seem to go for the hulking, inarticulate Fabio types and not the greasy, lanky Jewish types?
Is this a personal inquiry?
No, I’m asking it for a friend.
And that friend is named Hal?
I disagree with the question, personally. And they don’t go for the Fabio types, ’cause by that logic… [long pause] I don’t know anything by that logic.
Do these pants make my butt look big? Be brutal.
Not really. But I’m not a big fan of pleated pants. I believe in a flat front.
What about people like me with the little tiny waist and the big hips. Whoa, that didn’t come out right at all.
Not at all. Hal, are you a gay dwarf?
No, I’m not, and I would like to state for the record that I don’t have an effeminate body either despite the fact that I look perfectly normal in woman’s bathing suit.
Except the whole package thing.
Oh, yeah. Thank you for modifying that.