One in 2000: Geordie McClelland

What’s your favorite movie?

Cabin Boy, with Chris Elliot. He’s the new Bob Newhart, you know.

How about your favorite Christmas album?

Either the Three Tenors Christmas or The Chipmunks’ Christmas, whichever one has the Hula Hoop Song… I can’t remember.

What about Jewel’s Christmas album?

That’s great too. I especially love her version of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” It is a great response to her critics who say that she can’t write intelligible lyrics, because half of it is gibberish. If she doesn’t understand what she is talking about, she just starts making up some random words. I can respect that.

Can you explain why leaves change color in the fall?

Bee-be-de-dop-bang-scatamoosh.

Er, thanks.

No problem.

How’s your senior year going?

Pretty well, only I thought that after four years here I’d be a lot smarter. For example, last week I sat next to to a friend during lunch before I realized it was the Hebrew table. Now the only Hebrew I know is that Dreidle Song, so I was pretty lost. I kept forgetting that they were talking Hebrew and just thought everyone was choking. I think I gave the Heimlich maneuver to like five people. Some call me Lifesaver, others call me S—t-head.

So how are your grades?

Let’s just say the Dean’s Office won’t even let me use Windows 4.0.

Did you just make a computer joke?

I guess I did. I hope this doesn’t mean I have to write for The Mad Cow.

So really, how are your grades?

I read once that Yanni only listens to his own music. So I guess that without a basis for comparison he never realizes how much he sucks. As far as my schoolwork goes, I think that I just need less basis for comparison. Maybe home school would have been better for me; if I could just get my Mom to stop beating me up, I could probably be the smartest, most popular guy there.

You are the captain of the crew team, how’s that going?

Captain? Of the Crew team? That explains a lot. Seriously, I think we’ll do real well this year. We’ve started lifting, not only to try to get faster but also because girls say that I don’t have [a rear end]. I don’t know if I believe that though, because if I don’t have [a rear end], I have no idea what’s making me smell so bad.

Any plans for next year?

I would like to be Ernest Hemingway, without that whole suicide thing. But I am not sure if they are hiring.

How about long-term plans?

Well, I would like to get married and have kids someday once someone explains to my wife and I where babies come from.

Speaking of family, how did your dad get the name, “The General?”

It’s an old frat name from Trinity. I think he was in Phelta Thi. But it is weird, I mean my cousins call him Uncle General – it’s like Uncle Flounder, but that probably wouldn’t work.

So was he in the military at all?

Yeah, he was in the Air Force, which is also weird because I don’t think they had planes back then. I think they just flew kites. Every once in a while he takes a break from yelling at me and tells me some classified secrets from his days in the service, only it was so long ago I am pretty sure they aren’t classified anymore. Like this Thanksgiving, he confided in me that we may be staging a Revolution against the British, but I’ve probably already said too much.

Who’s cooler, Kingsley or Martin Amis?

Um, Martin? No wait, Kingsley?

Nice try. The correct answer is Kingsley. What’s up with the WTO?

I honestly don’t know. I mean I always thought that tennis was supposed to bring people together. I thought that people would get over that whole Billie Jean King thing.

Right. If you were a hip-hop artist, what would you call yourself?

What do you mean, “if I were?”

North Korea. What’s up with that place?

You know, if I had the money, it would probably be a great place to open up a McDonald’s. Although, the government spends a bit too much on the military there, don’t they? I don’t know how well American imperialism would sit with them, you know.

How about this question? Jesus. Was he really a hippie?

I guess that he might have been. You’d think with that whole “Son of God” thing, he could afford a haircut.

Do you practice Feng Shui?

When you are as good as I am, you really don’t need to practice.

Sorry, I forgot. Have you ever used the word “commensurate” in casual conversation?

Once, during health class.

Nice context. Does the external world exist? Do you care?

That’s that whole “other people thing,” right? No, I don’t care about them.

Have you read David Lee Roth’s autobiography, Crazy from the Heat? Don’t you think Sawyer Library should have a copy?

Actually, I recently got the book on tape and I’ve been listening to it in my car. I think it has Sammy Hagar reading it, although it could be Kip Winger. And yes, that may be the book that would get me into the library.

Geordie, you’re a champion.

As are you.

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