One in 2000: Jesse Metzger

Hometown: Beverly Hills, CA

Williams residence: Bryant

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

It’s got to be Mr. Rogers, although I had a love-hate relationship with it. I screamed at the poor man on the screen, but I continued to watch it.

Mine was Thundercats. Do you prefer ’N Sync or the Backstreet Boys?

Backstreet Boys, definitely, even though they are irretrievably – no – unequivocally? Irreversibly? No, inexplicably stupid.

What about 98 degrees? Where do they fit in?

I have no information on them.

What is your idea of a dream date?

Um, [expletive]….um, I guess an intimate setting. The lighting has to be right. I think lighting is key for a dream date setting.

Would you rather go out on a date with Rob Zombie or Marilyn Manson?

Rob Zombie.

Me too.

Yeah. ’Cause Marilyn Manson… uh…yeah. No, Rob Zombie: I like that one song that he did, that’s like [heavy metal guitar imitation]. I think I could talk to him about that. We’d have something to talk about, at least.

Do you think it takes two to make a thing go right? Does it takes two to make it out of sight?

Oh yeah, oh yeah. Who sang that song, by the way? Who was it, it was like some unknown…it was something I recall from my middle school days. It came on and it was always like, [hip-hop sound beyond description].

Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. No one ever says “I want to be a junkie when I grow up.” Do you agree with this statement?

They don’t say it, but they may mean it. They may want it. Ok, don’t put that in, all right? No, we’re not putting that in. And don’t, you know, put it in and then write that I said, “Don’t put that in,” ok?

Sure, ok. What’s your favorite part of campus?

It’s got to be that little area right outside the library, that’s special. What’s it called?

In front of Stetson? Stetson Court?

No, the other side. The converse of that. The converse of Stetson Court.

How many Marlboro Miles do you currently own?

You know, I really should keep them but I throw them away every time.

Do you plan on acquiring any more in the near future?

Uh huh.

Do you think Marlboro Miles will get as big as Pokemon?

Pokemon is a complete mystery to me. I don’t understand – it’s like Hello Kitty, only even less tangible.

What is your favorite part of Thanksgiving?

Pecan pie. Got to go with that. Especially that gelatinous part – like the gooey, gelatinous [expletive].

Have you met or seen President Vogt yet?

No, I’ve only heard about him, through certain connected persons.

Do you think President Vogt has any Marlboro Miles?

It’s hard to say, but he is from Texas. But what relevance does that have? I’m not sure if Carl Vogt is the kind of man who would collect them, I mean maybe he…well, I’m really not at liberty to say.

What do you think of his lack of a canine companion?

Well, I’m partial to felines in any case. So I would say, “Go Vogt!”

I’ve heard he has a lot of plants. Is a green thumb important in a man?

I really don’t care about a green thumb. Let the plants die.

What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

The craziest? You’ll have to stop the tape on that one.

Do you have any interest in the currently shaping Presidential race?

Yeah, it’s a mild interest, but yes. I would like to think of myself as involved, yet I’m not actually [involved], not really.

What are your views on “Ephs for Bill Bradley”?

Let the Ephs do what the Ephs will. I mean…

Ephs Ahoy?

Ephs Ahoy!

Do you think Bill Bradley has any Marlboro Miles?

Yes.

What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

I hate that question! Why does that have to be there at all?!

It doesn’t have to be there at all. What’s the most boring thing you’ve ever done?

No, no, no…those are not good.

Dangerous? Stupid? Funniest thing you’ve ever done?

I can’t possibly…I have a big problem with superlatives.

Did you go to the Agard Porn Star party last weekend?

Yes, only to come too late, to find an empty room, with loud music and the most graphic porn I’ve ever seen in my life. And Roller Girl wasn’t there – I didn’t see any Roller Girl, and that would have made the party cool. But I didn’t see any good costumes or anything like that.

How about that Jenna Jameson?

Who?

Never mind. What the hell is wrong with me?

You’re a…you’re kind of a strange fellow. But I feel that you’re a kindred spirit.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

I’m always disappointed when this question comes around and no one has anything to say. So, since I really have nothing to say, I’ll cover it by doing that little nothing speech.

Brilliant.

Whoa.

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