Sugar and Spice

As we write, the registration deadline is mere hours away. We’ve got some retrospective words of wisdom for next time. Avoid classes with vague requirements, such as “longer paper” and “mandatory Saturday night sections.” Also be wary of early morning classes, if you cherish your sleep at all, as we both do. No matter how good the prof is or how intriguing the class looks, it won’t be as good as you think.

With any luck, you’ve all fully recovered from the infamous Spring Fling. Then again, maybe not. The row houses all put on a good show, though not without their share of the usual setbacks. Lines loomed long, causing ridiculous waits to get into parties that would close just minutes later. The party policy once again reared its ugly head, with Security on the prowl for underage drinkers. Many partiers found themselves blacklisted by our pals in cruisers, penciled in for a parental-like lecture on the perils of drinking. As if that’s going to curtail the consumption of traditional beverages.

As the party policy is such a tired topic, we’ll turn to making fun of people in the spotlight. Huh, that’s certainly something new and different for us. Get psyched for an especially cruel segment of Sugar and Spice.

Our Idiot Move of the Month award goes to an individual who’s still feeling his fopah. The scene is Chapin Beach, shortly after midnight. The Springstreeters and Ephoria are crooning when all of a sudden the cycling team whizzes by, capturing the attention of all in attendance. One team member (who also happens to be our superior here at the Record) spills, right in front of everyone, just hours after receiving the prestigious Army Award for the most falls during the season. Did we mention that he was naked? Bare and scraped , but not damaged enough to need Viagra. We’re so relieved.

Qualifying for the Darwin Award is Eddie Murphy’s transsexual hooker-friend, Atison Seiuli. Seiuli died when he/she (it?) got locked out of his/her apartment and attempted a Tarzan-like swing with a towel onto a neighboring balcony. Though not naked, Seiuli was clad in only pants and a bra. Not a sight to see (trust us, Spice saw a fifth floor suicide jumper over the summer and heat least had gender-correct clothes on).

Nowadays, it’s not always clear who wears the pants in a relationship, something James “I’m the King of the World” Cameron recently discovered. Apparently, he isn’t the only one who has been acting “kingly” in the family. Wife Linda Hamilton, of manly “T2” fame, made a bold statement by leaving him for a woman (her Dante’s Peak stunt double). Gotta wonder if his “size matters” complex and Linda’s recent conversion say anything about him.

Kudos to the advertising folks at Disney who made a not-so-veiled, but very funny reference to Anne Heche’s sexuality in a trailer for her new movie Six Days, Seven Nights (or is that the other way around?). Heche, you may remember, is the lover of Ellen “Yep I’m Gay” DeGeneres (not to mention Spice’s neighbor) of the soon-to-be-defunct show Ellen. Heche screeches, “Some sort of creature just swum up my pants!” The voice-over quickly responds, “This summer, find adventure in the most remote place known to man.” Yikes. Will that engender a chalking or a lawsuit?

In other relationship news, the Clinton’s little Chelsea has found love at Stanford (we were surprised, too), snagging a junior swimmer (not too shabby for a frosh). At least those Speedos show her exactly what she’s getting herself into.

We’d like to leave you with a reminder: Sunday, May 10, is Mother’s Day. We’d send a heartfelt greeting to our own moms, but this column has brought about our disownment, as both of our mothers deny any relation to us when we are referred to as Sugar or Spice. If there are any mothers reading this, we wish you a happy Mother’s Day. That about wraps it up for us this week. Stay tuned next week for the final insult–the last dose of Sugar and Spice. Cheer all you want. We certainly will. Hasta la vista.

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