Welcome back! Today is such a beautiful day we scarcely noticed that it’s also Previews Day. We hope those pre-frosh suckers won’t be tricked by the unusually hospitable sun into matriculating next year, giving admissions an unprecedented enrollment and making Spice’s co-ed bed predictions a reality.
Co-ed beds haven’t been a reality for George Michael for a decade now. The superstar came out of the closet last week after committing “a lewd act” (what’s up with British men and lewd acts) in a public restroom. When Bill Clinton is caught with his pants down, detailed descriptions surface in every major tabloid spilling all we never wanted to know about him. But when George Michael is caught, it’s all hush-hush, and the public is denied access to juicy information. Who cares about Clinton? Not like his escapades are exciting enough to earn him accolades in “I never” anyway. “Lewd acts” in bathrooms, however, are (in response to which, we pose the following weekly challenge and/or seek your legal counsel: is it legal in a public restroom if the stall door is closed?).
Michael’s career really needed that exposure; he probably had to beg the arresting officer to send him away. If we could figure out what a “lewd act” is we might know what to do when our own popularity wanes.
Princess Stephanie is now expecting her third illegitimate child and no one knows who the father is. Well what do you expect from the sister of an Amherst grad? Hopefully she really is pregnant since so many tabloids have splashed photos of her looking prenatally plump and spread the word. The same thing happened to her sister Caroline a few years back, only to discover that the older princess had just gained a little weight. You know who else we hope is pregnant? Neve Campbell. Did you see pictures of her at the Academy Awards? She was bulging out of her dress in all the wrong places. That ensemble was definitely hosting a party of two.
The Academy Awards, as you all know, occurred over the break, so you all missed out on the lovely opportunity for our commentary. We hope everyone had a wonderful break and read Doug Cohan’s humorous article on the subject. Sugar actually earned money and resume experience, logging in hours at the prestigious Boston law firm for which she has long worked. Spice had a phenomenal break with a week in Atlanta (the highlight, as it’s got her favorite place on earth) and a second in Cancun with fifteen other sophomores (not a bad runner-up), though neither would be applicable for a resume (unless she were to seek employment at the illustrious “Cheetah”). A few words to the wise who may be travelling next year. Never fly Tower Air. Who’s heard of Tower Air? Is that what they renamed Valu-Jet? We arrived at the terminal only to find it stripped bare. We’re also told that our plane has been delayed two hours because the kids on the trip before us got into trouble in Mexico and the plane decided to wait for them. Likely story. Anyway, the delay was not two, but six and a half hours. It was a scene out of National Lampoon’s Vacation and we had nightmarish visions of arriving in Cancun only to find that there was no such thing as Sun Splash Tours and our vacation package was a fraud (admittedly, there are worse places to be munsoned). On the way back, all the lights went out the second we took off (one trip member surmised that the aircraft needed the energy that would have kept them on for fuel) and the ceiling started to drip. We had to grab our barf bags (quite a sacrifice given the hung over state of some of the passengers) and mop it dry. Hell is Tower Air.
Nevertheless, Cancun, with its clear waters, white sand, Dady Rock, random hole-in-the-wall bars and drinking age (they’ll serve anyone who coughs up the dough or wears a bikini–unless you’re a guy dressed in drag, not like anyone would stoop that low) was quite the Spring Break experience. We may never be able to eat another chicken fajita (nice how after a week of eating nothing but fajitas that’s just what the dining hall serves for our first meal back) or ever go to the comparably tame Armstrong Late Night again, but we’ve all returned with a big smile for we’ve basked in the sun, jumped out of windows, served as live entertainment and gotten enough dirt on certain people to insure that they will never hold any sort of campus or political office.
While on the international tangent, we’ll bring up an interesting global phenomenon. We all know that foreign countries rename the American films imported to their theaters, but none so innovatively as the Chinese. In Hong Kong, As Good As It Gets is marketed as “Mr. Cat Poop,” Boogie Nights as “His Large Device Made Him Famous” and The Full Monty as “Six Stripped Warriors” (in Mandarin it’s “Six Naked Pigs”). Although Titanic’s global success made translation unnecessary, one should seek it under a different name if traveling in Arabic nations. There, “Titanic” sounds like “Let’s have sex.”
While on the topic of Titanic, we find it most curious that unlike the recently deceased Rob Pilatus of Milli Vanilli, the ship is still making money off sinking! Maybe Fab Morvan will take a hint from recent trends and lip synch Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” as the funeral hymn.
We now bestow the White Man of the Week Award to (appropriately enough) Reggie White! For reducing the ethnic races to offensive stereotypes, (he alleges that “[Hispanics] can put 20, 30 people in one home” while “[Asians] can turn a television into a watch”) White brings tolerance to a new low not seen since “The Bell Curve.” And after our two part segment on the MCC too! Someone needs a Record Subscription for his birthday.
We’d like to close by paying homage to our inspiration, Howard Stern. The controversial Stern is gearing up to broadcast his face all over CBS with a syndicated TV show. His slot is opposite the veteran Saturday Night Live, but with the new cast, that shouldn’t be a threat. Stern boasted, “Television has changed. Standards have gone to an all-time low, and I’m here to represent it. It’s a miracle; I prayed to God for this.” This rings especially true with his new network home, but even more so with yours truly. Keep that in mind this weekend when you’re knee-deep in work, haunted by the night before (can you say black-out?), and in walk the folks for Payne’s “gift” weekend to us. Happy, happy, joy, joy. We’ll be back before ya know it.