Sugar and Spice

Bonjourno! While we’re still waiting for someone to take us up on that offer to send us packing abroad, we did get a delightful taste of Italy Thursday night in Mission. All over campus, dining halls boasted the famed theme nights. Whether you’re lassoing your food or emulating the nit-picky existence of Seinfeld, theme nights are always wildly popular with the students. Perhaps the food really is better, or maybe we’re all just a little happier to be there. Whatever the case may be, we’d like to give dining services two enthusiastic thumbs up. From our own experience and what we’ve heard, all five dining halls put on quite the impressive show (even Hungry Man agrees). To the entire dining services staff and administration—thank you!

We’re incredibly psyched about this week’s issue (not really, it also happens to be the last we have to do for three weeks). We have the long-awaited part deux of the Multi-Cultural article (that ought to keep you at bay for awhile) and yet another opportunity for our readers to get that coveted inside look at the alpine ski team (apparently the team felt they had to redeem themselves from the Features article with a public access special).

Combo Za also (thankfully) redeemed themselves from the bomb they dropped on a disenchanted audience two weeks ago at their dull performance (hey, we’re going easy on them). Friday night’s Wheel of Doom and accompanying publicity cried comeback, and for once the zany show was as funny as their signs. Spice was the first volunteer to spin the Wheel of Doom, overcoming her shyness and fear of exhibitionism (yeah, right) to get up in front of everyone (clad far too conservatively for the crowd’s liking, might Sugar add). Not to be outdone, Sugar would like to personally volunteer to shave Rich Leimsider’s mohawk.

Speaking of bold statements, another article we liked enough to actually read was the one on the Latke-Hamentaschen debate. As food is always near and dear to our hearts, we struggled long and hard with this conundrum, losing many a night’s sleep determining each pastry’s worth. What first struck our fancy was the negligible nutritional value of both treats, but we hit a brick wall when forced to decide between fried and sweet. In the end, we feel the Latke takes the cake as it embodies the best of both worlds; one can smother this piece of fried excellence with sugary condiments.

Making headlines in News this issue on campus is the out-of-control vandalism of Mission Park. Harking back to fall semester when gallons of paint were spattered everywhere (a sort of Guilemensian rendering of the Joker’s museum defamation scene in Batman), the destruction has persisted with shattered windows and the like. And the four houses are picking up the tab! The embarrassing U.S. hockey team destruction of their hotel rooms at Nagano comes to mind. Of the incident, player Jeremy Roenick claimed, “We were sitting around playing cards, and chairs would break underneath us.” B&G take note.

We’d now like to award a White Man of the Week award to black Arkansas basketball coach Nolan Richardson. Did you hear his excuse for why the Southeastern Conference boasts so many great players? The man asserts simply, “Where did most of the slave ships stop? In the South.” Sounds like he needs to get a dose of tolerance from the folks at the MCC.

In other hoop news, NBA player Latrell Sprewell was excused from shocking misconduct (he gave his coach one hell of a throttling last year). On the reinstatement of Sprewell’s contract, NBA commissioner David Stern commented, “You cannot strike your boss and still hold your job—unless you play in the NBA.” You can’t argue with that.

Lending their talents to more constructive activities (i.e., anything but asphyxiation), Time magazine has been busy helping two lonely souls find love (maybe they should come aid the sorry dating scene here). Of Time’s recent star-studded 75 year celebration, Mikhail Gorbachev gushed, “President Clinton and I have been trying to meet each other. It never worked out. Time magazine made it possible.” His words brought tears to our eyes.

On the other hand, we’re surprised that Clinton didn’t make the transition earlier from ugly women to uglier men. Unattractive women just keep coming out of the woodwork like rats out of a New York sewer. New chic on the scene Dolly Browning claims her old fling with Clinton was rekindled at a 30th high-school reunion. She even wrote a book about a woman’s affair with a Southern governor, supposedly based on Clinton. Surprise of all surprises, Clinton denied everything, and this woman now wants to sue him for defamation. She told Newsweek, “He’s calling me a crazed liar. If this guy is saying we’ve never had a relationship, that’s certainly damaging sales of the book.” The only thing hurtin’ her book sales is the fact that we can read about it for a fraction of the price in Newsweek!

Not only are the appearances of Clinton’s women questionable, but their intellect is certainly deficient as well. First, there’s the Paula Jones personal shopping spree with her legal fund contributions. Here’s a hint, honey—no amount of money can ever reverse the joke someone played on you at birth. And now Lewinsky’s “proffer” is hitting the fan, too. Only a moron (see dictionary for picture of Clinton’s women) would offer to confess to having oral sex with the Prez to protect herself from prosecution, only to reneg that later and deny such encounters altogether.

What’s worse, Clinton is invariably photographed from his left side, where his worried expression takes a back seat to his conspicuous wedding band. Clinton has been thought of more as America’s boyfriend than America’s father, a sort of second coming of JFK. We don’t agree. Clinton’s more like America’s most popular male escort, really.

Popular is the operative word. Whether people love him or hate him, they can’t seem to get enough of him in the media. Will this ever die? Not as long as there are movies being made like Primary Colors that are more documentary than fiction. The movie’s been getting a lot of ink lately (check out the cover of Time, you’d swear that John Travolta is married to Hillary). Director Mike Nichols defends his flick adamantly, explaining, “We’re all supposed to be friends of the President, which is nuts to begin with. The movie is about a man with a talent for the job and the things that get him into trouble. That’s the story. Softening it or hardening it—forgive the expression—doesn’t come into it.” We forgive you, Mike. We expect that Clinton will be the first in line at the box office to find out how the movie ends. As for which date he’ll bring, your guess is as good as ours.

On a related tangent, another movie with a presidential spin we look forward to viewing is the Big Lewinsky, about a fat person who likes to play with balls. Look for Jeff Bridges to get top billing as Monica Lewinsky.

We’d like to end this week with a salute to basketball whippersnapper Kobe Bryant. The 19-year-old is only in his second NBA season with the L.A. Lakers, and people are already starting to prophesy the next Jordan. What’s more, Bryant was approached by Shawn “Puffy” Combs to co-host an all-star soiree in New York this past weekend. Why? ‘Cause “Kobe has got mad flava oozing out of him,” Combs said (for someone else with “mad flava oozing out,” please see above reference to Monica Lewinsky’s activities with Bill Clinton). We like to think that we’ve got something in common with Kobe. After all, this column is as close as you’ll get to “flava” in the Record. Ponder
that for a while (as you all pine for humor that makes you think), and live it up over spring break. We will.

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