One in 2000: Kai Collins

Residence: Garfield

Hometown: La Jolla, CA

Major: Theatre/Psychology

Ambition: To graduate without a job. I’ve never seen the OCC, so if you know where it is, please don’t tell me.

Any personal motto or theme song: Sexy Mother F***er by Prince – I’ve just adopted it as my anthem…it’s working out well.

Favorite dining hall meal: Chicken Bob Marley – I’ve never actually had it, but I’m really drawn to the image of Dining Services taking bong hits in the kitchen while they cook it up.

All-time favorite album: Michael Jackson’s Thriller

Favorite Hanson brother: I actually have this bizarre sexual attraction to the second oldest one, I’ve perused many a back-issue of People in the library in search of him. Let’s leave it at that.

Most prized possession: My blue vinyl Adidas sneakers from my little brother.

Favorite building on campus: If we could just acquire a houseboy, Garfield would be the ideal residence, even if it is in upstate New York.

Person whose life you’d most like to emulate: My grandmother Nonie. And anyone who’s met her will know why.

Person whose life you’d most like to take: I actually started a typewritten list freshman year. It’s all in code, so unless you know who “Two-Dimensional Girl,” “‘Don’t-Touch-My-Hair’ Girl”, and “Breast Groper” are, you’ll never know…

Kai, have you had major makeover recently?

I’m playing a man in the play. I cut off all my hair. The man is a German. I dyed what was left blond.

Speaking of the play, 1953, can you tell us something about it?

Contrary to popular opinion, my character isn’t a cross-dresser, even if he is wearing women’s underwear and pantyhose underneath his suit. I have TWO roles—one’s a man, one’s a woman. I thought that was pretty clear, but I’ve heard otherwise. Every night, I don a sports bra that’s three sizes too small and am bound with several ace bandages—it’s supposed to make it look like I have pecs, not breasts, but it doesn’t really work, and it’s really just insanely hot and uncomfortable and everyone knows I’m not really a man anyway.

Doing anything thrilling for spring break?

I’m going to St. John in the Virgin Islands with my girls.

Soy Bomb made a notable appearance at the Grammys behind Bob Dylan. If you were to crash an awards show, which one would you choose, and what would you do?

I’d probably hit the Cable Ace Awards, honoring original movies on Lifetime and the USA network. There clearly isn’t enough homage paid to quality films starring Judith Light (of “Who’s the Boss” fame) as the slain Tejano singer Selena, and Scott Baio as an Amish mute who finds love and companionship in a three-legged goat.

I know this is an unfair question to ask a senior, but do you have any plans for next year?

Actually, yes. Major fundraising campaigns are in the works because Britta, Micaela, Kate and I are moving to San Francisco where the current plan is to join the clergy. But first, we will drive across country, selling sundry items to finance our excursion.

The other day, Britta and I passed a delivery truck, left running. For a brief moment, we contemplated grand larceny auto. We had this vision of peeling out of the parking lot in the Hostess truck, racing to Garfield to collect our girls, honking and yelling for them to jump in, and hitting the road immediately with a three-month supply of Ho-Ho’s, with the police hot on our behinds. Then we thought we should probably figure out another, more legal way to get there. Just out of curiosity, how much would you be willing to pay for a calendar of me in my underwear?

Our readers may not know that you’re related to a famous historical figure. Can you tell us about him?

The I.R.A. has a gag rule on me at the moment. But I will tell you this—Liam Neeson recently played a close relative of mine. (Michael Collins, for all of you who are unaware that the Irish were intended to conquer the world.)

Madonna seems to have reinvented herself again. Which of her incarnations is your favorite, and why?

When I was eight years old and running around my back yard in my Wonder Woman Underoos, wearing multiple pairs of tights on my head, pretending the legs were my long, lustrous hair, singing my new favorite song, “Like a Version,” clearly having no idea what it meant, I had yet to actually see the artist responsible. Madonna initially emerged in a pretty formative period in my life so it would be difficult for any of her subsequent incarnations to compare to the thrill I felt on the playground of Bird Rock Elementary School when I found out she wasn’t saying “version.”

As a senior, you must have accumulated some pearls of wisdom to pass on to the younger classes. If you had to give three pieces of advice to an entering frosh, what would they be?

1. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. I walk around campus looking around and, quite frequently, people look pretty pained. Especially all of those people running all the time. I think they must be on some sort of team or something. Now they look like they’re hurting. I’m so not a runner (why run when you can walk?), and if you ever see me in the gym, it’s probably because I was walking down Spring Street and suddenly had to go to the bathroom. But if I wanted to hurt that much, I’d just walk around with shards of glass in my shoes—it seems like it would save a lot of time. And my point is… Oh yeah, stop taking yourselves so seriously, Williams. A fun thing to do is walk around with your eyes closed, talking to yourself. Try it. At the very least, you’ll feel somewhat subversive.

2. There are a lot of cha-chi characters out there. All some of them need is a swift kick in the pants. It’s okay to give it to them.

3. There’s nothing wrong with an occasional orgy among friends.

Any last words for your fans?

No matter how bad things get, at least you don’t have a nervous tick…if you do have a nervous tick, I’m really sorry.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *