Ephs, get ready for ACC sports

The events of the last week in sports have proved one thing: we’re too good for Division III. In the past week, the basketball, swim, track and ski teams were whipping up the competition in Division III, thus proving that Williams rules land, air and water. At times, it seems like our second-stringers and third-stringers are better than the first-string squads of other schools, most notably a school located somewhere in the Pioneer Valley.

Seeing as how Division III provides absolutely no competition for our proud Ephs, we at the Record feel that Williams should skip out on the NESCAC, Division III, and even Division II. That’s right, we feel that Williams should move up, up to the big time, up to the best and the brightest, up to Division I. And we’re not advocating some lower-tier Div. I conference like the MAC or TVC. We want to move up all the way to the top of Division I, that’s right, to the best conference in the land, the ACC.

We’re sick and tired of filling out NCAA Tournament brackets and reading about all these other teams that are clearly inferior to us Ephs. We think our sports teams are more than capable of competing with the Dukes and North Carolinas of the world. Forget about Mike Krzyzewski and Antawn Jamison, neither of which are comparable to Harry Sheehy and Mike Nogelo (by the way, why haven’t we renamed Chandler Gymnasium the Nogelo Dome?). Moreover, we feel that our domination of others will continue once we move into the ACC. As our water polo team’s victory over Ohio State proved earlier this year, the famous Division I schools we so often hear about will always fall prey to Eph power once we move to Division I.

What’s the best part about our move to the ACC? We’ll be able to attract more students away from that pesky liberal arts school (shall we dare call it that) located in the same town as UMass. We’re sick of trying to compete with that school and advertise how Williams has so much to offer academically. Face it, while we at Williams have exponentially better academics, academics are only going to carry us so far. If we are going to attract students away from that school, we’re going to have to offer something even better: ACC sports.

Imagine, how can any student turn down Williams? Not only will we have top-notch academics but, more importantly, we’re going to have ACC sports. That’s an unbeatable combination.

Now of course some alumni are going to complain and say that moving up to Division I ruins the academic integrity of the campus and yada, yada, yada.

We say that in two years the only people who will be complaining are the North Carolina fans who will find that their vaunted Tar Heels are being beaten on a regular basis by a bunch of purple cows.

If that’s still not enough, perhaps the biggest selling point as to why we should join the ACC comes from the fact that we will never have to worry about rankings. With so many students vying for admission to a limited number of spots at this ACC school, our school will have an infinitesimally low acceptance rate, thus keeping us up at #1 even if our class sizes start to resemble those of Ha’vd.

If higher U.S. News rankings aren’t enough to convince the masses on why Williams should join the ACC, nothing will. So, in retrospect, we say forget about NESCAC and Division III altogether. ACC, here we come.