Welcome back to another glorious week of Features. We’ve lost weight this weekâ€”no, not Phen-Fen. Our section got a whole lot skinnier thanks to a photo essay on “How I Spent My 100 Days Party.” Seeing as neither of us made cameos and publishing the guests’ kiss lists would be in poor taste, we were forced to resort to the medium of photo essay to memorialize the event. Besides, seeing as nearly all the seniors are 21 and over, who among them was coherent enough to remember the evening?
In other campus news, Dining Services has taken a swing against one of our writers with a letter to the editor citing unfair criticism in last week’s Features section. We’ve got something far more pressing to which they should be attending. Did you know that leftover food cannot be donated to homeless shelters for fear of getting sued? And if we eat the food, you incredulously ask? Well, rather unsurprisingly, we signed an all-absolving waiver before we got to school freeing dining services from any liabilities should the food happen to poison us. At the very least, if someone kicks because of Adobo Mojo Chicken or what have you, they should get a full tuition refund. Plus a tribute dish named in their honor at the cafeteria, like the Reed Wiedower Memorial Spam, John Wiedower’s Liver, the Scott Souffle, E’s Coli Steak, or Brock Read’s Last Stand.
With the 100 days dance and ridiculing dining hall food, we’re no strangers to tradition. Even at other ivy-caliber institutions such as Princeton University (known on The Simpsons as “clown college”), traditions are adhered to at all costs. Why else would the entire sophomore class strip their clothes and their inhibitions on the night of the first snowfall and streak for the so-called Nude Olympics? One student whined about umpromising weather conditions, saying, “It’s so unfair. The whole sophomore class is in a state of uncertainty.” Rest easy, Cool Whip will be a welcome substituition to snow.
Princeton’s not the only college that’s showing us up. Tulane University in New Orleans, LA, has recently taken over the impotent Housing Authority of New Orleans in an attempt to fix up some of the worst housing projects in the country. The students, responsible for 55,000 people (10% of the population) in 10 projects, are actually making a proverbial difference. They found 354 jobs for residents, placed 600 youths in basketball and other sports programs, started 10 summer camps, and are tearing half of 13,500 housing units down and building $750 million in new housing in their place. And to think, North Adams is slipping away as we speak. With the help of some college-age “we-can-make-the-world-a-whole-lot-brighter” Greg Brady optimists, North Adams will once again reign as the industrial hub of Massachusetts. Hey, it could happen.
Who really cares anyway, at least when you’ve got Spring Break ‘98 on the brain. We just received the latest issue of Rolling Stone featuring an ultimate spring break guide, and we think something very sick is going on. Although we were called for a quote, neither Spice’s quote nor any other college students’ quotes made it in to the article. Not to mention the fact that the writer with whom she spoke was not listed anywhere in the magazine or the article. The phonecall (profiled in an earlier edition of Sugar and Spice) was obviously a ploy designed to find out Spice’s specific whereabouts for spring break so he could track her down.
All right, so perhaps the so-called writer’s intentions may not have been the most moral, but morality seems to have fallen by the wayside lately anyway. Take a look at new all-time scoring record holder Nykesha Sales of the Univeristy of Connecticut, the beneficiary of some questionable underhanded maneuvers arranging for the hobbled basketball star to attain her competitive dream. Apparently head coach Geno Auriemma cleared this uncontested shot with opponent Villanova head coach Harry Paerreta, the athletic directors and presidents of both schools, Big East Basketball Commissioner Michael Tranghese, previous record-holder Kerry Bascom-Poliquim, and even got a teammate to claim a stomachache so that Sales could play in her place (who miraculously went back into the game after the shot in question). What’s that all about? Nobody bent over backwards for Mike Nogelo when he shot his way to being the highest all-time scorer at Williams, nor was there any over-sensitivity to women when Kathleen Higgins became the fifth all time-scorer. Is that the difference between Division II and Division III? That and the fact that even if something similar were to happen here, nobody in the outside world would care or even know of the incident. Isolation. Yep.
On the other hand, over-exposure in the spotlight can be a bad thing. Case-in-point…Madonna. The Material Girl’s new CD Ray of Light hit stores recently (we had to camp out at Toonerville in the a.m. hours to beat the crowds on that one), but the bigger news is that she blocked an appearance of her daughter Lourdes on MTV. Though Madonna (who earlier swore she’d never let her daughter near those media vultures) allowed a photospread of Madonna and Child to run in March’s Vanity Fair, the Maternal Girl was eclipsed by her daughter on a recent trip to France where crowds ignored her and yelled, “Lourdes!” And they weren’t referring to the nearby French town. Horrified at the thought of competing with someone in the same family for centerstage, Madonna used her superior connections (not to mention language skills) to remove Lourdes from a promo MTV segment for the album. Could it be that little Lourdes has more talent?
Speaking of fading talent, Jason Priestley, star of 90210, said that he would like to devote more time to making really bad movies. He thinks his character should exit with a bangâ€”Priestley wants to be killed off. Hey, can we do the honors?
In closing, we’d like to give a standing ovation to a Russian newspaper’s recent consensus on Clinton. While Clinton only received a 79% approval rating at home, Moscow gave him a near-perfect 98.6%. Even better are some of the pollster’s comments. One man praised, “Everything above the waist, he gives to his country. Below the waist is his own business.” Another gushed, “I was always biased against your country…but now I see you’re a real man. Carry on! Russia supports you!” If the man can be so relentlessly criticized at home (we hear that even Hillary is making a point of becoming friends with Lorena Bobbit) only to be welcomed abroad with open arms and Vodka-saturated toasts, then there is hope for us yet! What lucky detractor wants to head the fundraising committee that will send us to some exotic country? The sooner, the better. ‘Till we meet again…