Sugar and Spice

Has everyone recovered yet from end of the week festivities? This weekend witnessed a wild and crazy (albeit one week late) Mardi Gras party (we’d say where it was, but you all know anyway and we’d hate to alert a police force with too much time on their hands to the goings on at Fitch…just kidding, not Fitch). For all of our academic pretentiousness during the week, we all just get nuts come Thursday (perhaps earlier for some of you). Unless, of course, you’re Eric Douglas, son to famous dad Kirk, who goes nuts everyday, getting institutionalized and then accused of harassing a young girl. Yeah, that’s real normal. Frustrated, Eric exclaimed, “If you can’t be rude or annoying in a mental hospital, where can you be rude or annoying?” If you’re part of the Williamstown PD, then you can be rude, annoying and an alleged pedophile, raining on our party parade and facing kiddie porn charges of your own. What a winning combo.

Winning no respect from us recently was the Free Press. Not willing to settle for mere vapidity and the scorn of five-fifths of the campus, the Williams Free Press decided to try their hand at (or rather, put their foot in) making fun of us. The all-white male staff did not approve of our disappointment at the discriminatory Oscar nominations and found fault with perfectly acceptable word choice. Well that’s surprising. This coming from a paper that has (mercifully) appeared just four times in the past academic year (real professional, guys) and is staffed largely by recent graduates. If we have nothing better to do after graduation than write for a college newspaper, kindly disembowel us. This marks the first time either one of us even picked up a Free Press (come on, if we don’t read the Record, do you really think we’d waste our time with the Free Press?)

And now, without further ado, we bring you a highlight on Williams intelligence. We talk out of our posterior apexes in class, inprovise shamelessly on our papers, and brag about academic integrity. Enough of that. Here’s the scene: Two movies being shown in Bronfman for two different classes, in two different rooms, at the same time. One’s “The General,” a silent comedy by Buster Keaton for “The Feature Film” class. The other’s “The Wild Duck” a play-turned-movie for “Modern Drama.” So “The General” lets out, and a few kids stand around and recap the flick’s funny moments. Well, by and by someone mentions the title and this one girl’s mouth drops, her eyes explode, and she basically just flips out. Amidst her unintelligible ranting, it becomes clear she was supposed to see the other movie. She really didn’t get it for two hours. Not at all. You’d think that she’d question why a play had absolutely zero dialogue. Or maybe if that slipped by her, she’d at least pick up on the fact that there was no duck to be seen, just a train. Nope. That’s brains. And 30,000 bills floating away.

In a totally unrelated story, sales of sports utility vehicles jumped 76% during the past five years to 2.44 million in 1997. Don’t believe it? We estimate that you can find about 50% of these vehicles cluttering the Williams campus parking lots. And we’re sure that these also comprise more than half of the 2,600 who have no intention of using them to off-road, hunt, camp or fish. Making the trek from Tyler to Baxter doesn’t fall into any of those categories.

Last week we took some time to look at Olympic athletes. Giraffe prints? The true idiot award belongs in the hands of the losers running CBS. Live does not mean live at the time of filming. Nice try. CBS Olympic producer Rick Gentile made a pathetic attempt at a defense for airing Picabo Street’s gold-medal-winning performance 24 hours after the fact, saying, “The last time I checked, everyone who goes to see Titanic knows how that ends. But they still go see it.” What a lame excuse. At least with Titanic we get three hours plus of entertainment (or at least fodder for mockery) and cool special effects. A minute of some chick blazing down a mountain isn’t nearly as worth the wait.

Besides, following in Titanic’s footsteps won’t possibly do nearly as much as it has for the flick. Gentile doesn’t have a prayer of ever seeing close to the more than $350 million the movie has grossed for a total of $750 million worldwide. And apparently self-professed “chump” James Cameron doesn’t either. To keep executives at bay during filming, he apparently waived his fees and profits, now worth about $50 million. Maybe he could start a fund-raiser for himself, like donate x amount of dollars and give Cameron a swift kick in the rear. He’d attract all sorts of people. Even Fox and Paramount, who are now talking about wanting to “do the right thing” and give him his share, could get in on the action.

At least one man recently went from rags to riches. No, we’re not talking about the dad on that cheesy 80s TV show. And the man’s probably never actually seen rags, come to think of it. Investment giant Warren Buffet is making waves on the stock market scene, raking in a quarter of a billion dollars for a ridiculous amount of silver he bought over the summer. If mother and daughter Lewinsky truly do have a predilection for “winning powerful older men,” they should set their sights on this one. Granted, the man is not much to look at, but then again that never seemed to bother either of them before.

At that, Monica’s developing quite the resume. We still don’t get what’s at all appealing about her, though. What is there possibly to like? She used connections to get in the White House in the first place (and Bill’s Oval Office love nest). She’s very obviously lacking in the looks department (she admits this egregious flaw herself in an e-mail to exploiter Linda Tripp, where she whines, “Boy, I look so scary today. People might think that I thought it was Halloween. Oh, well.”) Now the whole nation is not even crying “Trick-or-treat,” but “Butt (ugly that is)-or-slut.” There’s no way out. We get an absurd dosage of both that we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy. Still the Prez goes ahead with courting Monica in the tiny confines of his private quarters. Even this is a mystery to us. Seems that John F. Kennedy, Jr. agrees with us on this one. He so intelligently remarked, “I was under that very desk 35 years ago, and I could tell you there’s barely room for a 3-year-old.” Not to mention, Monica ain’t even a little svelte.

With all this hubbub about Monica, the country has been rather distracted from this situation with Iraq. (Whose idea was it to reverse Wag the Dog anyway?) Maybe the two are more related than we might think. In response to Russian objections to military action against Iraq, our boy Bill boldly stated with Harrison Ford-like conviction, “‘Nyet’ is not ‘no’ for the United States under these circumstances.” According to Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers, Clinton doesn’t think no means no in English. That was too easy; he set himself up for it.

Not that he’s the only world leader making a fool of himself. If you think about it, the fate of international politics is in the incapable hands of ridiculous puppets. Take a look at Russian leader Boris Yeltsin. He’s been showing some Ronald Reagan-esque cluelessness lately. In a recent meeting with Pope John Paul II, Yeltsin didn’t seem to get that the Pope’s rising to his feet meant that the conversation was done. Putting John Paul in his place (and down on his rear from shock), Boris insisted, “Holy Father, we haven’t finished yet.” And Yeltsin’s harassment continued! His toast at a banquet with
the pope professed, among other things, his “boundless love” for “Italian women.” Finally! Someone to give Clinton a little competition.

We don’t know about all these old guys with younger women. The thought makes us want to hurl. Jack Nicholson fits the same profile (almost 61-year-old Jack is dating a 35-year-old with whom he has two young children), but at least he has no illusions. Mr. Bad Boy himself recently confessed to Rolling Stone, “I’m not so cute anymore, and when you get less cute, you get more vain.” Don’t you think he’d make a better president anyway? All he’d have to do is flash that trademark “I’m-crazy-I-dare-you-to-mess-with-me” look for the most effective intimidation factor in the history of politics. Don’t agree? Go and watch “The Shining” alone in a dark room from start to finish. Then come talk to us.

We’d like to end this week with another quote from Jack Nicholson—the man with the biggest potty mouth that has still won the approval of the Oscar people (an unprecedented 11 times) and the general public: “You get in a place in work where you have to feel free to say anything. It’s important to the craft.” Think about that the next time you get offended by something we write. It’s all part of the biz. Ciao, darlings.

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