Sugar and Spice

Let’s cut right to the chase. We’re not trying to provoke a Letter-to-the-Editor war, nor do we want to alienate the entire campus. Perhaps that comes as a shock to some of you, but that’s not why we took this position in the first place. Get this: we actually thought that doing Features would be fun and wanted to give you all something interesting to read over lunch. (If you’d rather pour over the ever-so exciting dining hall news instead, that’s your prerogative.) To some extent, criticizing our style only reinforces that the column has done its job and sparked discussion. We certainly don’t expect everyone to be a fan. After all, humor is quite a subjective thing. However, we do appreciate feedback. Really. We even asked for it a few weeks back, but no one responded. That tells us one of three things: either you like what you’re reading, don’t care what you’re reading, or are illiterate. We’re out on a limb here, totally in the dark about what y’all want to read. While seeing our work in print is admittedly pretty cool, we don’t publish to hear ourselves talk. Speak up! Or better yet, write features.

That said, we’d like to say how glad we are to be back! C’mon, a few hate letters won’t scare us off. In all honesty, we would like to say that in response to Ms. Dadiomova’s letter, we have the utmost respect for Princess Diana. But, as with all celebrities tirelessly in the spotlight, refraining from ridicule is an impossible feat.

Once again, despite last week’s challenge, no one ventured to submit a response. Not even the basketball players themselves. We thought for sure people would have their priorities straight and respond to this rather than a couple of light-hearted jokes.

This week, the Olympic games have commanded our attention. And, in the long-standing tradition that war shall not defame the spirit of the games, we should all make a conscious effort to remain non-confrontational. Okay, so the Serbs didn’t exactly comply with that four years ago, but we hope to end this war with certain disgruntled readers.

Aside from our Olympics theme, we are pleased to announce the return of One in 2000 maven Lizzie O’Leary. Lizzie has generously agreed to infuse our section with what is truly on the mind of Williams students (normal Williams students chosen at random, that is). We also salute Doug Cohan, returning master satirist who sends up Olympic coverage with some valuable insight into Nagano. In particular, we agree with Doug that Michelle Kwan should be banned from Nagano. She sucks. Recently she was whining to People Magazine (we shudder at mentioning this source for fear of bestowing more letters of contempt towards the People company on the unsuspecting Record) that when she finally met her unrequited crush, Leonardo di Caprio, he (shock, gasp, horror) had no idea who she was (when we met him, we didn’t encounter this problem). To Michelle this was unfathomable, yet we understand it effortlessly. We imagine that if Neil Patrick Harris met his crush, Matt Damon, he, too, would find himself unrecognized.

We also have two new rookies joining the ranks of Features. Ryan Kurlinski writes about Eph Olympic hopeful Maggie Adler (no relation to Spice, though the last name is undeniably great) and Marie-Michel Tasse gives us special insight into the story of Williams’ very own Nagano Olympian, alpine skier Chip Knight ‘00. Chip is undoubtedly the best-educated Olympian in Nagano. Have you heard some of them try to speak? Most of them can’t even string a sentence together. The foreign athletes speak far more intelligibly to the commentators.

Finally, we would like to mention the inclusion of an article by Record interviewer Phil Swisher, back by popular demand. Phil has written on a Guilimensian brand of Olympians, the Tons of Fun IM basketball team. Admittedly, they’re not of Olympic caliber just yet, but they’ve sure got potential.

On a grander scale, many interesting twists have shown themselves to the world since we last wrote. In Washington, Clinton continues to be plagued by two vicious enemies: Monica Lewinsky and Saddam Hussein. Does anyone else see the striking resemblance they bear to one another? The hair, the eyes, the grimace, the mustache. . . Perhaps they were separated at birth. Or maybe they were both engineered by some right-wing freaks as part of an evil plot to overthrow the Democrats (that explains why David Duke has been keeping a low profile lately).

Also in current events, an Orthodox Rabbi was caught in Israel dressed as a cowboy (role playing?) at a nudie bar. He upholds that he was subjecting himself to demons and hellfire for the greater good. That is, of course, to insure that none of his students were in the bar. Sure. That topless dancer must have been a rabbinical student. There’s no other explanation.

Similarly caught in an incriminating position was Ben Affleck whose GQ spread screamed “I’m not gay.” Ben’s pictures echo those of Tom Cruise who, a few years back, similarly tried (unsuccessfully) to convey the same point to GQ. Whatever, Ben. That fling with Gwyneth screams cover-up.

How ‘bout a blast from the past? That lovable little tyke Gary Coleman also made a bold declaration about sexuality last week while in New York. Coleman was arrested for cross-dressing and begging to model in the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Hey, different strokes for different folks.

Also in dire straits is our very own guest columnist Athena Cuervo. Athena has just lost her job at the now bankrupt Psychic Friends Network. Their employees have lost all credibility in the psychic world for not having predicted this fall. Needless to say, Athena will not be hired as a full-time columnist (not like the writers get paid anyway). Bankruptcy seems to be a common trend these days. Toni Braxton may lose her Los Angeles digs after having filed for bankruptcy last month. Unbreak her bank account!

Athena may never work in Hollywood again, but then again neither should the folks who decided on the Oscar nominations. The nominees reflect a lack of diversity rivaled only by the Williams campus.

Now to return to events near and dear to the hearts of Williams students. First off, has anyone seen the menu for this week? We were shocked and appalled that the amount of edible food would not even satisfy Kate Moss’s appetite. Dishes like Cuke Sauce, Mid-East Green Bean Salad, Sweet and Spicy Tofu, Spinach & Carrot Quiche and Red Potato Broccoli Salad make us want to hurl. Dishes that could be good like Pancakes and Chocolate Chip Cupcakes are rendered puke-worthy by the addition of zucchini. Why not leave good enough alone? Adding a vegetable to any dessert dish seems intentionally cruel and malicious.

Valentine’s Day came and went this past weekend, which could explain the lack of energy that went into this week’s column. True love and a dream weekend in one case, or a lonely, bitter waste of time in the other left little time for the Record.

For the coming weekend, we all have Moogano to look forward to. We appreciate the humor, but the word “Moo” brings up images of those grotesque and overweight sorority girls from Revenge of the Nerds. Let’s hope our carnival is as exciting as theirs. Lambda, Lambda, Lambda forever!

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